I used to be a douchebag

Ok, here’s the thing, a picture is worth a thousand words.  Unfortunately, every time I’m in a picture, all of those words are “douche” a thousand times over.  Every old photo I look at of myself in is an embarrassment.  So, fuck it!  If I cringe, that means other people will probably laugh, and I’m not a proud man anyway.  Look at me, licking a bottle of Sailor Jerry.  Granted, that was our second handle of the day that we were on, but still.  Licking a bottle of rum?  Yeah, real funny jackass.  Knowing my luck, some homeless guy probably rubbed one out in the aisle of the liquor store, and shot his load all over the bottle, because there’s a hula girl on the label.  Little known fact about me; I ate bum cum.

Hey asshole, you aren’t nearly as cool as you think you are!

My God, Liz must really love me.  Not only did she let me look like this, she was willing to be in the photo with me.  TapouT hat, homo-erotic chin beard, and sunglasses in a photo.  If I ran into this guy on the streets I would be berating him on twitter right now, trying to get a picture to prove how gay he is.  Yes, I was in Montreal for a UFC event.  No, that does not give me the right to try to look cool.  People who try to look cool always fail miserably, and I should have known better.  I was 29 years old, not 16.  When the hell do you grow out of this shit?  Oh yeah, when you turn 32…. NEXT!

Why the hell did I think a lucha libre mask was funny?

Yeah, my friends encouraged this behavior.  It was my alter ego, “The Blasphemer”.  You know who has alter egos?  Dorks and mental patients.  I don’t think I’m clinically insane, so I must be a dork.  Here I am, wearing a mask that was given to me by Tom, dropping my eight inch python onto a terrified Brian.  I should know Brian well enough to understand that he will go along with anything to make someone else look stupid.  But it was New Year’s Eve, and I was hammered.  On second thought, I might be clinically insane, because there’s multiple photos of me in this thing.

Don’t you love how I was bashing Nick Diaz for flipping off the camera, when I’ve done it myself?  I’m such a hypocrite…  Apparently CK was in on the “make Tony look like an asshole” gag, because he was more than willing to go along with this horrible idea.  “Hey Blasphemer, what’s you’re finishing move, the rusty trombone?”  It really should have been, because only fags who are into S&M should wear masks.

For the love of God, put your fist down.

One of the biggest faux pas is putting your fist up when taking a picture with a fighter.  Not only did I not know this, I thought I looked super cool.  First of all, I look like a giant idiot with my hat turned backwards.  And secondly, I’m grining like a child molester.  I’m sure I gave Rich Franklin the googley eyes too, because he’s downright dreamy.  I’m almost positive that my other hand is grabbing his ass.  Yeah ladies, if you think Rich looks good on TV, you should see him in person.  I begged him to take his shirt off and take me to pound-town, but he just smiled uncomfortably and signed a few things for me.

There I am, fist up in the air, with Michael Bisping. This was months after the Franklin disaster, and I learned nothing. I don’t even like Bisping, but hey, he was there so I might as well whore myself out so people think I’m awesome. I will say that although I think Bisping can be a jerk, he is very nice to fans. He didn’t have to be out there, he chose to be. I didn’t grab his ass with my other hand this time, I cupped his balls. I wasn’t impressed with what I felt. I was thinking of Rich the whole time.

Chris Horodecki? Seriously Tony?! What’s worse, that he weighs 155lbs soaking wet, but could still knock me out with a jab, or that I thought it’d be cool to get a photo with an IFL fighter? Seriously, I’m like the girl who blows the backup dancer so she can get backstage to get pounded in the shitter by Usher. AND WHY THE FUCK IS MY FIST STILL UP?! I really want to die right now.

Hey asshole, that’s not even a fucking fighter, and you put your goddamn fist up…. AGAIN!  Look, Stitch is really cool, and I’m glad I got to be in a photo with him, but come on.  The sad thing is that he put his fist up too, so that I didn’t feel like a jackass. Three years after the fact I still do though.  Thanks for the repressed memory Stitch!  Now will you please tape my junk back, so I can fit into a skirt and go hit on Rich Franklin?

Hey, look at me!

Yep, that’s me inside of The Bell Centre after UFC 83.  I was really happy, because I just saw GSP win the belt back from Matt Serra.  But seriously, try to contain your happiness a little bit when taking a picture.  I look like I just made a poopie in my panties, which I probably did.  Good picture actually, except for the Affliction shirt.  I own two Affliction shirts.  One because it’s a Georges St. Pierre shirt.  Another because I thought brown with gold print looked good.  If you wear any kind of sparkly material on your shirt, you aren’t cool, you’re a figure skater.  Toe pick!  See that?  I’m still a little gay.  That’s a reference to “The Cutting Edge”.  With my final act, I will now perform the ending of “The Notebook”…

If you ever meet your hero, don’t make it awkward.

That’s Louis C.K. with us.  He’s widely considered to be the best comedian there is.  I personally feel he’s the best ever.  I grew up idolizing John Elway.  I’m an adult, and now I idolize this guy.  He’s everything I would want to be.  This was the second time that I had seen him live.  He did the “Hilarious” set for this performance, and it’s brilliant.  I laughed the entire time nonstop, with tears in my eyes.  After the show he announced that he would be in the lobby signing autographs and taking pictures.  I immediately looked at Liz and gave her the “Can we go, mommy?” look, and of course she said yes.  So I’m out in the lobby, as giddy as a child who got his first erection.  I’m doing this stupid happy dance, while running in place.  All I can remember is that I couldn’t stand still.  So it was our turn to get our autograph and photo.  This guy is so nice that he signed my ticket stub, and DVD case AND the disc itself, then posed for the picture.  He even personalized the case with “To Tony, Louis C.K.”. It was all I wanted except for one thing.  I had to shake his hand, because I wanted to touch his skin I guess.  This guy was swarmed with fans, and had a sharpie in his hand.  He still has it in the picture actually.  Did that stop my retarded ass?  Of course not!  I reach out to shake his hand, and he looks at me like “Jesus, ok man..”, and shook my hand with the marker still in it.  I felt like such a dumbass.  Fuck it, I still met my personal hero.

Let this be a lesson to all five of you out there.  If you’re taking a picture, especially with someone famous, keep your arms at your side, and smile.  Do not grab their ass or scrotum, unless they ask you to. Shaking their hand is ok, but please be sure that they have a free hand to shake with.  If you’re going to wear a mask, you’d better be robbing a bank.  Forcing yourself to look cool is like forcing yourself to shit.  You’ll probably injure something.  In this case it was my ego. Take care.

I updated the site a lot.  New look, new URL, and new stuff on the sidebar.  You can read my tweets, and subscribe to the blog through your email, please do!  Also, I’m trying to create a good header image for the top of the site.  I want something that involves comedy and MMA.  In my head I’m picturing a microphone on a stage, like the Comedy Cellar in New York on one side.  On the other side I would like the UFC octogon. The image size is 951 x 160 pixels.  Thanks for reading.

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About malf922

33 year old married guy. I write about whatever is bouncing around this head of mine at any given moment.

6 responses to “I used to be a douchebag”

  1. Thomas Stillwell says :

    Funny as hell.

    BTW… Masks are always funny.

  2. Anonymous says :

    Hey Thomas, you are STILLWELL enough too post comments here and do all your crazy drawings but you failed to make college yesterday. Get it together man!

  3. James Otis says :

    D-bag, groupie…same thing. I still love you, though.

  4. Jess Fuentes says :

    Incredibly funny! I couldn’t help but laugh at almost every stuff (sorry) Great post! 😀

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  1. I’m Still a Groupie | RageLaugh.com - October 28, 2011

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