Movie PreReview: Shark Night 3D
Welcome to a new column on RageLaugh, movie PreReviews! It’s pretty self-explanatory really. I take a movie that hasn’t come out yet, and give a summary and review of it based on the trailer. This week’s PreReview is “Shark Night 3D”.
Ok, so it’s a bunch of white college kids, and one token black guy who looks exactly like Dwyane Wade, who go on vacation. I have to admit that I am very disappointed that LL Cool J isn’t in this movie as the chef, along with his parrot. Even Steven Seagal as a chef would have been great.
Right away you know the black guy isn’t going to last long. So, they’re going to some sort of a cove, or lakefront property, for some fun in the sun. There’s skiing, drinking, barbecues, and lots of sex. I checked the rating, and it’s only a rated PG-13 movie, so there’s no 3D money shots flying at you, sorry ladies. Anyway, a minute into the preview, Dwyane Wade gets attacked by a shark. Thank you for not making me wonder if the black guy is going to live.
So, one of your friends gets attacked (possibly killed) by a shark, what do you do? Pretty obvious really. You have a meeting where everyone is panicking, except for one guy. That guy explains that going back into the water and killing the shark that attacked D-Wade is the only answer. Of course! Let’s go fight a shark underwater, brilliant!
So, between sex scenes that are filled with no nudity, are death scenes filled with college kids getting slaughtered in 3D. Of course, during all of this chaos, the male hero, and the only chick who hasn’t had sex in this movie begin falling in love. Death is the ultimate aphrodisiac, and the more gruesome the death, the deeper in love they fall.
Once everyone except for the loving couple gets murdered, it becomes grand finale time. I’m going to guess that the weapon used to kill the shark is some sort of explosive. To kill a shark you have to use a homemade bomb. There was wake boarding in the trailer, so I’m guessing that they use a spare gas canister from the boat, with a rag hanging out of it as the bomb, molotov cocktail style. They take the boat out to the middle of the lake (you know, the safe spot), and right as the male hero is about to set the canister on fire and throw it into the shark’s open mouth, the guy loses his balance, dropping the canister and falling into the water. He dies the most gruesome death in the movie, right in front of his female love interest’s eyes. After she composes herself, the girl finishes the job. She lights the canister, says a tough yet cheesy phrase like “Smile, you son of a bitch!”, and throws the bomb into the shark wide open mouth. BOOM! Shark pieces are flying everywhere in spectacular 3D! The closing credits roll over the battered and bruised heroine awaiting the police and paramedics, who are just now arriving to help the lone survivor.
This movie is a horrible excuse to show blood, guts, and no boobs in 3D. Picture a censored porn mixed with a bloodier version of “Jaws”, minus the Oscar worthy plot, in 3D. I give it a 2 out of 5.