Ok, a little while back, I went on an opinionated rant about women, and reasons why they still aren’t equal to men in society. I mean, women ARE equal to men, just not in politics and such. Anyway, it’s time for me to take a dose of my own medicine, and get my man-hating on. This is going to be about guy code, not to be confused with bro code. Bro code is basically to never rat out your friends, and don’t hook up with their women. That’s pretty much it. Guy code on the other hand, is multi-layered and much more complicated. It’s mostly bullshit, and I’m pretty sure that many of you will see it from my point of view after reading this.
Warning: I say “fag” a bit in here. I don’t like that word one bit though. I think it’s pretty distasteful, even by my standards. I use it as an example, to point out the stupidity of it.
I’m going to start off with a simple one, drinking. That’s an appletini. I’ve always wanted to try one, but probably never will due to guy code. Men don’t drink appletinis. Homosexual men do, because they’re brave enough to see guy code for what it is, complete and utter insecurity. “Real men” have categories of drinks that must be very carefully followed, lest ye be pounded with the fag hammer. For instance, if you’re watching football with your friends, you have to drink beer. It doesn’t matter whether or not you like beer either. If you don’t like the taste of beer, but like watching football with your pals, you can drink light beer, but you will gain no “man points” in the eyes of your peers. The good thing about beer is that it is very versatile. While beer is mostly consumed at sporting events, and large gatherings of men in general, you can have a beer at the most formal of events, as long as it’s in a glass. If you’re caught drinking beer in a can at say, a wedding, you will be thrashed with the whip of redneckery, which is a completely different punishment. If you try mixing up a batch of appletinis while having friends over for the Super Bowl, down comes the fag hammer.
Then there’s the bar scene. Many people say “the club scene”, but that’s where the douchy men go to pick up women. In the bar scene, men often drink mixed drinks. There’s a scientific formula that I devised from my countless years of bartending that is tried and true when determining what mixed drinks are acceptable. The main law is one mixer to every shot of liquor in the drink. The liquor has to be at least 70 proof, but the higher the proof the better. Fruit juice as a mixer is out of the question, unless you’re at a tiki bar, in which case a fruit based drink is ok, but only when trying to sober up. Examples of manly drinks are Jack and Coke, rum and Coke, gin and tonic, ect. Coke is very popular. More complex drinks that are acceptable are the long island iced tea, and the lynchburg lemonade. When trying to gain man points in the bar setting, men drink straight liquor, ice is allowed. When drinking straight liquor, you have to be very careful, and follow the rules precisely. You must take a sip of the liquor without stirring it. Once ingested, the liquor will make you press your lips together, and blow air into your mouth, puffing the lips out slightly, similar to when you’re holding back a very violent fart. Your next reaction will be to pull your head back slightly, tucking in your chin. Sometimes holding your fist to your chest happens too, like when you have very bad indegestion. To make up for these reactions, and collect your man points, you have to comment on how smooth the liquor is. You cannot cough or spit out the liquor! You drink, react, then say “Wow, this is really smooth!”. A simpler statement, such as “Good shit.” is also ok. If you cough, or spit the drink out, you will be skewered by the pussy spear. Anything else though, fag hammer.
Next is food. Food is basically a non issue these days. Above is a picture of sushi, which was a big no-no 20 years ago. Now it’s acceptable in many circles though, due to it’s popularity with women. Women love sushi, so men will take them to sushi restaurants, leaving them no other option but to eat sushi as well. When a man picks where to eat though, they must carefully choose the style of food. Ethnic places are ok, such as italian, thai, mexican and such. To maintain your standing in the national manhood rankings though, steak or barbecue is preferred. If you feel the need to gain man points through food, the only possible way is for you to kill the animal you wish to feast upon. You can gain even more points if you do it with your bare hands. If you are caught eating sushi alone, you do not get the fag hammer, but a point deduction ruling may come, should your local man committee choose to penalize you.
And lastly is the very delicate matter of spotting attractive women. Spotting women is a very important part of guy code. You must obey the rules very carefully, or else you could possibly be banished from Man-land all together. When you see an attractive woman, you have to keep your eyes fixated on her, and backhand slap the man next to you on the chest. Once your friend sees her too, he will keep his eyes fixed as well. At this time you are required to either A) give a play-by-play of the things you would do to her. Be as detailed as possible too. You have to specify what goes where, and so on. The raunchier and more depraved your comments are, the more likely you are to improve your ranking in the man standings. You can also B) Notice a part of her body that you’re attracted to, and refer to them with a nickname. For instance, Scarlett, in the picture above, has nice breasts. So a comment such as “I would love to try and inflate those skin balloons.” works well in a situation like this. If you’re the one being slapped, and you’re not attracted to the woman in question, you must insult her looks somehow. Be careful though, some women must be found attractive by all men, by rule. If you say that you do not find one of these anchor women attractive, then you are automatically gay in the eyes of your peers.
With all of the nuances and tendancies of the guy code, you would think that it’s impossible for a man to remember all of the rules. There are a lot more than what I listed here, because I just gave a brief outline. It’s not impossible though, because most of us are programmed with most of it in our genetic code, and the rest of it we pick up at an early age. Things like throwing a ball, and passing gas have been taught to us through the hierarchy of manhood.
Don’t be fooled though, because this is bullshit. Most of the time, when a man reaches a certain age, they feel the need to lash out, fag hammer be damned. The ones who do not follow through with the urge to rebel usually die of a heart attack at a young age. Some want to adopt a litter of kittens, or say that another man is good looking. In my case, it’s an appletini. Don’t get me wrong, I like beer, whisky, rum, steak, and large breasts. But that damn appletini looks tasty, and I want to try one. I’ll have to be very sly about it though, so I’m not caught. If I’m spotted, it could ruin me. Watch my back, readers. If you see the fag hammer coming my way, warn me please. If it’s too late for me, someone tell Liz that I’m sorry.