I hate tough guys. I don’t mind guys who happen to be tough though, like BJ Penn. I hate tough guys, like your average drunk at the bar. Why? I’m sure you already know a few reasons why someone like me hates tough guys, but I’ll go a little deeper into the topic anyway, just for some amusement.
The first thing that I’ll mention about tough guys is the most obvious thing, their need to feel superior. Tough guys always look at the biggest guy in the room, and without letting him hear them, they mention to their friends “Oh, I could take him.” I see this one all the time. I know a guy who is pushing 50 years old, and is maybe 5’10” and 170 lbs. On more than one occasion I’ve heard him mention that he could take on guys who are twice his size and half his age, because he is, and I quote, “a bad motherfucker”. Anyone who lives in this little place that I call “reality” knows that this guy would get his ass chucked around the room like Paris Hilton at a gang bang, but hey, let him talk I suppose.
The next thing I’ll mention is the tall tales that tough guys tell. Every tough guy has done and seen things that you only read in books. If you go to a bar, you’re more likely to run into a former boxer or male stripper than you are going to a gay night club or boxing gym. They’ve all been in more fights, never losing of course, and wrangled more ass than everyone else in the room combined. And if you don’t believe them, you’re a fucking loser asshole who is jealous of his illustrious resume. Nevermind the fact that the years have been unkind, and this guy’s own wife won’t sleep with him now. Back in his day, all the ladies wanted a ride on his hog. If you challenge this guy’s claims, then you’re in for the longest night of stories that you never wanted to picture in your head in a million years. I’m puking into my own mouth right now, just from typing it.
The next one is one that bothers me; homophobia. Tough guys hate fags. Gay jokes aren’t funny, they’re grounds for an ass kicking. By “ass kicking” I don’t mean that they’ll actually hurt you. No, it’s just constant threats of harm, until someone saves you by jumping in and holding them back. Whew, my hands are trembling at the thought. Even writing it scares me.
You can’t joke about being gay though, never. If you do, you’re a queer, which makes you a lesser being. I’ve even heard a story that I’m not going into detail about, but the premise of it is that a guy mistakenly thought his teenage son was gay, and threatened to disown him, and no longer love him if he was. That’s a pretty understandable concept if you ask me. Sure your kid gets good grades, behaves at home, and seems nice. Sure, the day he was born was a wonderful time, as was each Christmas thereafter, where you could see the love and gratitude in his eyes as he opened his gifts. But if that child is attracted to men, and wishes to date them instead of women, in no way affecting anyone else’s life but his own, he’s an ungrateful piece of shit, and you never really loved him in the first place. I totally get it. Now that I wrote it and am reading it back to myself, it makes complete sense. My bad.
As homophobic as tough guys are, get them together with their closest friends and add alcohol. Within the third round of drinks, they’re talking about their dick size. By the fifth round they’re talking about how if a fight ever broke out, how they’d always have each other’s backs. Each round after that they’re hugging each other. I’m not talking about a normal hug either. I’m talking about a hug like at the end of “Top Gun”. A strong, violent embrace, which is often accompanied by a grab of the back of the head, and a whisper into their friend’s ear. I always imagine that they’re saying something along the lines of “I wish I knew how to quit you.” or of course “You can be my wingman any time.” Instant homo, just add alcohol.
To tough guys, nothing is less manly than a man who can’t fight or get tons of pussy, because he might be gay. What these tough guys don’t understand is that being a man doesn’t equate to your masculinity. The measuring stick for manhood is owning up to your responsibilities, and caring for your loved ones who depend on you. It doesn’t matter if you can’t fight, get all the women, or even if you’re gay. If you own up to whatever life dishes out for you, then you’re more of a man than any guy who spends his nights out, away from his family, all while trying to inflate an ego that he has for no reason at all in the first place. After all, a man is just an adult male. If you have the mind and priorities of a child, it doesn’t matter what physical attributes you posses. People with rational thought understand this. Those with lacking minds still need to evaluate what is important in life.