As American as Apple Pie

I was watching tv the other day, and some guy said “as american as apple pie” when describing something. Can we please retire this horrible phrase? I’m not sure that apple pie is the best reference when commenting on something that is american. If you said “as american as teenage pregnancy” or “as american as poor test scores” or “as american as a mexican selling oranges” or something truly appropriate, like “as american as McDonald’s” then you’d make a better, more accurate statement. That’s the winner I think, McDonald’s.

I have friends that comment that the US has no true identity as far as food goes. Like, they don’t think that if you go to a foreign country you would see any american restaurants, compared to how many mexican, chinese, and italian places that you see in this country. And while I’m sure they meant nicer establishments, McDonald’s has a stranglehold on the global hamburger market. And what’s more american than burgers and fries, morbid obesity maybe? I love the fact that people try to call them “french fries” too, so they don’t sound so american. What’s more american than deflecting blame for your horrible diet? Let’s blame France! Sounds pretty patriotic to me. Hell, this past Labor Day weekend, McDonald’s promoted the 50 piece chicken mcnugget deal. The second that I saw this giant pile of fried chicken parts that you can dip in barbecue sauce, I got in my truck, drove down the street until I saw an american flag, pulled over and got out, and saluted it until my arm fell asleep. It was the most patriotic thing I ever saw.

There was a 2 year span in my life where I boycotted McDonald’s, because I saw the movie Super Size Me. I wouldn’t even set foot in the establishment, because the film turned me off from fast food. Eventually, I came around and began eating it again. I won’t even begin to lie, it tastes alright. As a matter of fact, their breakfast tastes pretty damn good. Now, I wouldn’t say that I have a problem with fast food, but if someone argued that I did, I wouldn’t exactly say they were wrong either. While I don’t eat it every day, I do eat it enough to say that I don’t have good eating habits. That being said, I’m lucky that I’m not a fatty.

Some people do have a problem with fast food such as McDonald’s though. It’s pretty apparent who does, because they’re large people. I get a little upset when people call their eating problems a disease though, because last time I checked, laziness isn’t a disease. Sure, the high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart disease that most of these people get are diseases, but the thing that caused these diseases stems from laziness and the unwillingness to eat healthier. I understand that vegetables and grilled white meat aren’t as tasty as fried potatoes and charred red meat. But these people should understand that the point of eating isn’t to pleasure your taste buds, it’s to provide nutrition to your body.

While I don’t have a problem with people who eat poorly, I do have a problem with people who pass these habits onto their children. The way I see it, if you’re fine with being made fun of and not living to see your 50th birthday, that’s fine. Don’t pass those habits onto you kids though, because you’re not even giving them a chance. I see this scenario all the time too. I’ll stop into a McDonald’s or some other place, and see a 300+ pound person shoving french fries into their overweight kid’s mouth. I understand that the kid loves it, and that sometimes they’ll throw a tantrum if you don’t give them what they want. You wanna know why I know this? Because I was often that kid! Sure, I had my fair share of happy meals, but I didn’t get them every time I asked for it. I got them when my mom decided that I could have it. You know what? I hated not getting what I wanted, but now when I look back, I’m glad that I got home-cooked food instead.

When I think of meals as a kid, I don’t think about McDonald’s. I think about my grandmother’s chicken salad, or her croquettes, or my mom’s stuffed mushrooms and vichyssoise that she made on Thanksgiving. Mom, if you’re reading this, THANK YOU! I know I didn’t say it enough as a kid, but that’s because I was snotty and didn’t know better. That food was outstanding, and I remember it to this day. Kids don’t know better, so they just want what they already know that they like. McDonald’s is the easy answer, so parents take them there. You can’t do that! Stand up, be strong, and do what real parents do, make the choice that is good for your child. They don’t know better now, and will cry about it. I even remember an overweight relative claiming that she was weak, because her parents didn’t give her ice cream yet. Even at my young age, I couldn’t have been older than 12, I thought she was fucking ridiculous. Later on, they understand that not only is home-cooked food better for them, but it usually tastes better too. A kid usually won’t admit that home-cooked food tastes better, but that’s because kids are assholes. I’m sure some of you have kids, and don’t want to admit that your kid is an asshole, but in the back of your heads you know they are. Some kids are downright cunts, myself included.

Being the comedy nerd that I am, I can think of a stand-up clip for almost any situation. Eddie Murphy goes on to say in this routine that looking back, he misses his mom’s “green pepper burger” which is spot on.

What’s worse though, is parents who justify their actions with the “I’m too busy to cook” argument. I understand that maybe you can’t cook every day, but shoveling burgers, fries, pizza, and anything else unhealthy into your kid’s faces isn’t the answer. Do you understand that this is someone else’s life that you’re affecting? And then people go on to call themselves “full-time parents” which is utter horse shit. Part of being a full-time parent is nutrition. If you aren’t making sure that your child is eating well, then you obviously let someone else do that duty. Sorry, but if your kids are fat and disgusting, the majority of the blame is on you. So when they get teased and made fun of in school, and come home crying, before you go to their teacher to complain, you may want to place the blame on yourself. It’s an un-american response, because it’s a little more difficult to digest. But hey, your 100 pound 3 year old is having a hard time digesting his double quarter pounder with cheese that you gave him, so it’s only fair.

And if you want to argue that I don’t have kids, so I don’t know what I’m talking about, go ahead. I don’t have kids, so that much is true. But, I was at one point a child, and I have friends who have kids, and do it right. And guess what? Some of my friends don’t have a lot of money and work full-time. If they can do it, so can you. Stop being a lazy shit and raise your kids properly, you disgusting excuse for a parent. Although I have to admit, being a bad parent is a good ‘ole slice of american four cheese meat lover’s pizza with buttercheese crust, dipped in ranch dressing.

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About malf922

33 year old married guy. I write about whatever is bouncing around this head of mine at any given moment.

3 responses to “As American as Apple Pie”

  1. mooselicker says :

    The price of fast food is the biggest excuse that is tough to argue. Still, there are alternatives that don’t cost that much more and are still healthy. Like this one, if you can’t afford to treat your own body right, don’t have a baby and do the same to it. That’s my food (teehee a pun) for thought.

  2. Thomas Stillwell says :

    I haven’t had McDonald’s in 15 years… and I’m lovin’ it.

  3. Thedailycop says :

    Why is it a frigging salad costs more at McDonalds than a Big Mac?

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