The New Plague
It seems that every few years a new disease springs up, causing mass paranoia worldwide. In recent memory it was SARS, followed by the bird flu, and then swine flu. These diseases were sometimes fatal, and also airborne, which was very frightening. The new disease takes fear to a whole new level, because it’s contracted mentally. No surgical mask on earth can protect your thoughts.
Douchebagitis, not to be confused with Dumbskankeria (which I may have to address in the near future) affects one out of every three men in America. Staggering, isn’t it? While Douchebagitis hasn’t proven to be fatal yet, it inflicts a long lasting, dull pain into anyone surrounding the infected person. It can even be contracted through the television set, scary indeed.
In order to protect my fellow man, I’ve compiled a list of symptoms and warning signs of Douchebagitis. Please look for the following:
The Pencil-Thin Beard
This one is very common. Often one of the earliest symptoms, this beard festers on the face of it’s unsuspecting host. It sends a signal to the brain of the poor man, convincing him that it actually looks good to him. So after it appears on his face, not only does he not shave it off, he will groom it! Oh, what a powerful disease we are dealing with…
The Blowout Haircut
Another early symptom is this horrible hairstyle. What makes it worse than the thin beard is that this one often affects children as well as adults. Once again, this symptom sends a false signal to the weak brain of the infected that makes him maintain this hairstyle. The subject in the above photo is also beginning to show another symptom…
The Popped Shirt Collar
This one is painful to look at because it is so easily avoided. But yet again, the infected host is unaware of the eyesore festering on his neck. Although he will not appreciate it, you should always take it upon yourself to fix a popped collar. Just treat it like you would a dog who has gotten into a food that is toxic to him; deal with his anger, and do what’s right.
Wearing Sunglasses Indoors
Common sense tells you that there is no need to shield your eyes from harmful rays while indoors. But do not forget, a man with Douchebagitis has no common sense! If you are not able to remove the sunglasses from the walking tool’s face, then shield your own eyes. Do not wear sunglasses though! Use your hands, your shirt, anything. But whatever you do, do not use sunglasses, or you will put yourself in jeopardy of contracting the illness.
The Bluetooth Earpiece
This symptom is even more widespread than the previous ones. It affects all ages of man. Men with Douchebagitis get an unwarranted sense of importance, thus feeling the need to wear an earpiece, which only spirals them closer to rock bottom. They will wear this often unnecessary piece of equipment to give off the image of importance. Unbeknownst to the infected, even if they are talking on it, it serves as an annoyance to surrounding people regardless. Usually though, the host will wear it for hours before actually using it, poor bastards…
A bandanna on the head or in the back pocket, necklaces, rings, earrings, etc. All of these can be symptoms. Do not make the mistake of diagnosing someone who wears a wedding ring or a watch though, unless the watch is on a leather bracelet. Douchebagitis victims love accessories, and the more they wear will help determine how severe their affliction is.
This one is serious, because it’s permanent. Much like other terminal illnesses, once you reach a certain stage of Douchebagitis, it’s too late. The barbed wire, tribal symbol, praying hands, rosary, Tupac’s face, and many more are severe side effects of this horrible illness. All you can do at this point is look away, or face the disease with constant ridicule and mockery, to ease your own pain.
There it is, powerful stuff. Douchebagitis is a serious threat to our country, and is devastating to other weak minded individuals. Unfortunately, no foundations are accepting donations for research of this disease, because if you give money to someone with Douchebagitis, they will just go and buy more sunglasses, jewelry, tattoos, and so on. All you can do is educate your children, and warn them of the symptoms. Please use caution out there, my fellow men. I’d hate to see any of you contract this horrible disease.