A Simpleton’s Guide to the Presidential Race
I’m no political expert, far from it. As a matter of fact, I’d say that I get about 50% of my information from the front page of Yahoo!, and I usually start to get sleepy about halfway through any article that I try to read. The other half of my news comes from the local news, and Fox News. Check that, it’s actually the local news, and other shows making fun of Fox News, my bad.
Anyway, the big topic these days is who will represent the Republican party for president of the United States, the greatest country on earth, according to Americans. If politics isn’t your thing, that’s all the more reason to read this. Reading something written by a politcal moron such as myself will be easy to understand, because there is no complexity to my mind when it comes to this. The only things I know are what I believe. Other than that, you might want to fact-check what I say, because it very well may be incorrect. I’m too lazy to check myself, sorry. Anyway, here are the candidates:
Ron Paul is 76 years old, which is aproximately 29 in Republican years. I just saw an interview with him recently, and he actually seems like a decent man. The only things I know about him is that he was pro “don’t ask don’t tell” and is very pro-life. Anti-abortion is one of his strongest opinions from what it seems. Other than that, he seems like the most liberal of the conservatives to me. Oh yeah, he is also at least indifferent to the legalization of marijuana, if not completely in favor of it. It seems like he is popular to some of the younger people for that fact alone. He seems like the least evil of the bunch to me.
The only thing I know about Herman Cain is that he is the founder of Godfather’s Pizza. I’m not sure how big of a franchise it is globally, but here in Tampa it’s virtually nonexistant. I’m not so sure how the founder of the RC Cola of the pizza world got involved in politics. How he managed to become a presidential candidate is beyond me. He also was the subject of a very funny Jon Stewart joke on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
If you haven’t noticed, Cain is black. Seth MacFarlane said it best, “Herman Cain is the Republican party’s bizarro Superman.”
Romney seems like the good, clean, wholesome type to me. He comes off as a very traditional man, probably because he’s mormon. I usually don’t judge people based on religion, but anyone who believes in that nonsense is very gullible. If he believes in underwear with superpowers, and a holy land right here in the US, then he could probably be talked into other ridiculous things. I can see it now, “We never negotiate with terrorists, unless they make a really good point.” If this guy managed to make it into office, it’s only a matter of time until we have a Jehovah’s Witness president, or Scientologist. Plus, I’m not sure The White House has enough bedrooms to accomodate his 12 wives and 40 children. The Oval Office won’t have seen this much action since the Clinton administration. Oh yeah, I forgot, most of that action took place in closets. Speaking of closets…
Michelle Bachmann, aka Sarah Palin 2.0 has been a big topic of conversation. She’s nearly as dumb as Palin, but twice as evil. Her husband Marcus works as a Christian counselor and works closely with homosexual youths in attempts to convert them to a heterosexual lifestyle, all while moonlighting as a showtunes composer. His hobbies include interior decorating, and acting. He auditioned for the role of Cameron on Modern Family, but didn’t get the part because he’s “too fruity”. While Bachmann is against raising taxes, her and her husband’s counseling center has recieved at least $200,000 dollars in federal payments.
This guy has all the tools to be a Republican hero. Death penalty? You bet! Governor from Texas? Check! Mumbling idiot? Affirmative! He was the frontrunner to represent the party until last week, when he gave a train wreck of a debating effort. I haven’t heard mumbling and stuttering that bad since, well, George W. Bush. Anti-gay marriage, pro-death penalty, and pro-guns. As a matter of fact, he has a concealed weapon permit. This governor packs heat! If he were any more evil he would have to hold his pinkie up to his mouth while speaking. No new Texans!
Former lawyer and current governor of my birth state of New Jersey, I hate him already. This man isn’t in the race yet, but the conservatives are begging him to jump in, and who can blame them? If Christie jumped in the race, he would make quite a splash. Er, he would make waves. Shit, he’d devour the competition. Damnit, he’s fucking fat, ok? The only thing that would be higher than his approval rating would be his cholesterol… and Ron Paul.
In light of the log jam at the top of the Republican party, I do have a candidate in mind who I think would make a great representative of the party:
Xander Crews Malfitano
This man, er, dog has all the qualities to be president on paper. There may need to be a revision to the requirements though, seeing as he comes a mere 34 years short of the age requirement. Well, in dog years he’s only 28 short actually. But he could do some serious damage to the opposing candidates, and their carpets. He’s far less likely to die in office than Ron Paul, barring an act of terrorism, or chocolate. He’s even blacker than Herman Cain. He has more believable faith than Romney (he thinks I’m God). He’s smarter than Bachmann. He’s less evil than Perry. And he has better eating habits than Christie.
I think the stars are aligning in favor of Malfitano! His running mate would be a female too! Eeyore Wiley, our cat! They don’t see eye to eye on everything, but man are they fun to watch! Malfitano/Wiley 2012, let’s make it happen! Their first law would be to outlaw vacuum cleaners. If not for these potential candidates, I feel that Obama would be our best bet, and the person I would vote for. I don’t think that even he is happy about that…