Domesticated Animal

Today is my 4 1/2 year wedding anniversary. It’s pretty sad that I know that, right? Actually I was going to write this anyway, but when I looked at the calendar it just happened to be exactly 6 months past my anniversary, so it just a coincidence that it was today. I think that getting hitched was a great move for me, and not because I found my dream girl, perfect partner, blah blah.

Getting married was great for me because I hate dating. It’s one of my least favorite things in the world actually. That feeling you get when approaching someone, and having that feeling in the back of your head that they’re going to reject your advances. And what if they actually like you? Then you have to talk to someone new, and force a conversation with them. And half of the time you find out that the person you’re talking to is a complete moron, and they won’t shut up. It’s excruciating.

The traditional place for people to meet other single people is a bar. The reason is probably due to the fact that alcohol makes people less shy and inhibited, but there are so many drawbacks to it. Just think of the average woman you meet at a bar. Would you want to spend an extended period of time with one of these people? I wouldn’t even bring one to my house, because I’d be afraid of getting robbed. It’s amazing how many married men are surprised at what a tramp their wives are, without even taking into account the fact that they met while hammered at a bar. Yeah buddy, I’m also shocked that the woman you took home with you after a half hour of talking is a tramp, baffling.

Some people meet at church as well. These women usually aren’t loose, but they’re obviously gullible. If you met a woman at church though, you’re obviously into the mumbo-jumbo as well, so more power to you. I hope it works out well.

And then there’s online dating, which is the worst in my opinion. The risk-free environment that is online dating provides a safe house for people not to be embarrassed in public. Part of liking someone to me is knowing that they put themselves out there for a chance to get to know me. Believe it or not, my wife pursued me during the courting period. As illogical as that may seem, it’s true. And yes, knowing what I know now, I would have pursued her and begged for a date if that’s what it took. But these online daters take no risks. I like knowing that someone put themselves out there to meet their mate. That fear of rejection makes it genuine. And working where I do, I see a ton of first dates, and I can tell that many of them met online. I’ve never seen more forced and awkward conversations than these blind dates. It’s so painful to watch.

As much as I tried to fool myself into thinking that I was a wild animal, I’m obviously not. Being married is much more pleasurable to me. The main drawback that men complain about is that you have sex with the same person for the rest of your life. Sex is the most overrated thing in the world to me. I’m no sex machine, but if you and your partner are good together, it’s a non-issue. I’ll take living with someone that I can depend on, whom I can trust with anything over having to constantly go out to meet new people. Sorry, but the life of being alone and having all kinds of wild sex with a bunch of dumb broads doesn’t seem appealing to me. I’m domesticated indeed. I go home every night and hang out with my wife and dog. My days of wondering if I’ll meet someone are behind me. The days of being frustrated at some of the dumb questions my wife asks me are in front of me, and I’m fine with that.

Due to my misleading title, I feel obliged to show a picture of a domesticated animal, so here’s my dog, Xander:


About malf922

33 year old married guy. I write about whatever is bouncing around this head of mine at any given moment.

7 responses to “Domesticated Animal”

  1. mooselicker says :

    Congrats on the anniversary! A 54 month anniversary is a big deal in some cultures. Mostly the ones that still die young.

    “I wouldn’t even bring one to my house, because I’d be afraid of getting robbed.”

    -I just imagine a gorgeous, clearly non-threatening woman flirting with you and then you giving her that excuse. I feel the same way though. I remember Norton saying on O&A how the thing to do is make them clap while you leave the room. That way you know they’re not stealing anything. He does it for prostitutes, but how far off is that from any dame willing to go home with you after 10 minutes of lying about your job and manhood?

  2. Annie (Camille) says :

    Right on target….online dating sucks , who wants to hang in a bar and hook up with an alcoholic (I already have enough to deal with) and my mom says if I ever set foot in a church, I had better have my funeral planned because, surely, the roof would cave in and kill me…

    • malf922 says :

      I’ve actually never dated online before. All the people I met were in person. Therefor every crazy person before my wife was my fault. Ah, to be young….

  3. Annie (Camille) says :

    P.S. Love the dog 🙂 !!!!

    • malf922 says :

      That’s my little buddy! It’s insane how much I love that dog. I’m almost afraid to have a child, because if I’m like this for a dog the poor kid would be smothered.

  4. MervinMous says :

    I am domesticated and loving it as well. As far as the whole sex thing goes, I personally think it’s better once your married. Granted you aren’t screwing like rabbits, but you are more relaxed, you know what your partner likes, you aren’t afraid to try new things, and you can comfortably have those moments where you laugh your face off. I completely agree, dating sucks. oh and when the time comes, you are going to be an awesome father, I’m 100% positive of that.

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