When You Wish Upon a Star
People always complain that their wishes never come true. I always hear someone whining “Why can’t I ever have (insert annoying thing here)?” I don’t really do that very often anymore, because almost every wish that I’ve ever made has been irrational, stupid, evil, or all of the above. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not any of those things, but past wishes that I’ve made have been.
When I was a kid, I wished that I was Batman. I loved Batman so much that it was almost an obsession. I used to watch the Adam West show nonstop, and I made my mom rent the movie multiple times. I don’t know why she didn’t just buy the damn thing, because I must’ve watched it 50 times. To this day, I still laugh at the idea of bat shark repellant. I used to pretend that I was Batman, and any friend that I was hanging out with would get pissed that they would have to be Robin. I’d never be Robin, because I’m not the sidekick, I’m the damn leader.
When I got a little older, I wished that I was John Elway. Let’s face it, most kids dream of being pro athletes. He was far and away, no, he is far and away my favorite athlete ever. I’d play football in the street, and throw lasers to my receivers, to the point where I’d have a sore arm the next day. Elway had a cannon, so that meant that I had to have one too. I gotta admit, my throwing arm from childhood all the way until I screwed up my shoulder was pretty good too. I took pride in being able to throw well.
After I hit puberty, my wish was to touch a pair of boobies. I was just as much of a pervert as the rest of my friends, but not nearly as vocal about it. My friends would always talk about what they would like to do to what girl, and as dirty as it sounded then, it sounds hilarious now. When you’re 13, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, but you swear that you do. I’d say from ages 12 to 15 just getting a girl to take her shirt off, so I could touch those magical fun-bags was high on my list of priorities, and I probably would have done whatever it took to achieve that goal. Once I finally got my hands on some knockers, although I did enjoy it, it slid down my list considerably.
Most recently, my only wish has been to find a career. It’s not supremely important to me what that career is, although I’d love for it to be some form of writing. I love doing this blog, and any other form of writing that allows me to dig through my mind, and put my thoughts into written word would be outstanding. My job is the only negative thing in my life. The rest is a dream come true. I have a wife that is damn near perfect, a great dog, we’re moving into an awesome house that is right down the street from the best in-laws that anyone could ask for, and I’m sure a kid will be coming next. I have no idea why I got so lucky as far as those things go, but who in their right mind would question having a winning lottery ticket? Don’t ask questions, just cash that bitch!
Now, even though my last wish seems pretty reasonable, usually when I make a wish, it’s anything but reasonable. If someone came to me in a dream, and told me that he or she could make all of my wishes come true, I’d tell that person “No thanks.” Why? Well, probably because on the way to work today, I wished that the old lady in the Volvo, who was in front of me in traffic, would have a chainsaw taken to her face, for starters. It seems that on a weekly basis I get angry and frustrated enough to wish a horrible death upon someone, and never for a good reason. “That piece of shit at Wendy’s put tomato on my burger, and I said not to. I hope that he gets pancreatic cancer right now!” is something that I’m sure I’ve thought at one point or another. Now yes, I hate tomato, and if I ask for no tomato, then the guy who put it on there anyway is an idiot, or was one at that moment in time. But cancer? That’s insanely harsh, even by my standards.
If every wish I made came true, then I would be Batman, who played quarterback for the Broncos, always had boobies in his hands, wrote online articles for a second job, while killing people with his thoughts, like Darth Vader. People always liken an evil person to Hitler. “That guy’s like Hitler at work,” “Obama is Hitler,” and so forth. If every wish that I made came true, it’d be “That guy is like Tony Malfitano,” which I don’t want. It’s bad enough that the only other Tony Malfitano that I know of is a scumbag and a loser, in my eyes at least. I’m playing from behind with this name to begin with, so I don’t need to add insult to injury.
I guess that if I could make one wish come true, it would be that nobody ever has their wishes granted again. Or maybe I would wish that all wish-granters and genies were freed. I don’t think that anybody’s wish is to go around, making other people’s wishes come true. That’s too selfless to exist, even in a fantasy world. So I have to ask, what’s your wish?