The Baby Chronicles: Genesis

I have a friend who is a huge fan of horror movies, especially the ones about the zombie apocalypse. I love a good zombie flick too, and since I love writing, you’d think that I would try my hand at writing a zombie story of some kind. I found over the years that writing nonfiction is more enjoyable for me, and I’m not great at making up stories. For that reason, I’m going to keep a journal of my wife’s pregnancy, from my point of view. We just found out on Saturday night that she’s pregnant.

After a long, boring night of work, I came home to watch UFC 137 with a few friends of mine, and my wife, of course. Before anyone else had shown up, my wife greeted me with a hug and kiss, as usual. She seemed especially happy to see me, and I had no idea why. I received text messages from her a few hours earlier, saying that she wanted me to come home already, and that she missed me. Something was up, and I was about to find out what it was. After greeting me, my wife said “Well, are you ready?” The question was vague, so I asked what she meant, and that’s when the bomb was dropped. “I’m pregnant!” I was overjoyed, and I still am. After the adrenaline rush calmed down, and I fought off my tears of joy, reality sunk in. “Holy shit, life is about to get crazy!”

Then, my first duty as an expecting father kicked in. It is now my job to clean the cat’s litter box. You see, kitty litter is dangerous for pregnant women, so they can’t touch it. On top of that, I don’t even like cats! I’m not going to bother the cat, and sometimes I’ll even pet the damn thing. But, that cat came with the package, when I started living with my wife 9 years ago, and the agreement was that she cleans the litter box. Things change though, and this is a damn good reason for them to change. I’ll admit though, I’m tempted to tie a hotdog to the cat’s tail, so my dog will chase her around the house nonstop. She’s old, and maybe he can help nudge her in the direction of a heart atta… shit, I’m getting evil again. Forget what I just said.

After Brian showed up, I broke the news to him, and he was happy for us. Later that night, I sent a text to my other close friends, who both have newborn babies of their own. My friend James notified me that even though I may think that having a child will wear me down mentally, the physical damage is equally devastating.

We don’t have great eating habits as it is, and now the person who I spend most of my time with is going to have cravings for random things at all hours of the day and night. I’m not the kind of person who passes on food easily, so this will be rough. Instead of 250, my new goal is to stay under 300 pounds. And before you call me a fatty, I’m pushing 6’5″ and 245 pounds currently. I’m not slender, but I’m not obese either, not yet at least.

Then, my final revelation in the first 24 hours kicked in; I will never have time for anything ever again. You see, a month earlier I made a promise to myself to go back to school, and get a damn degree. I figured that since I detest my current employment situation, and never got a college degree, that I would start pursuing it again. I have a couple of college credits, and never had a problem with the classes, and always aced my exams. I just got lazy and stopped going to school, so I had more time to do nothing productive at all. You see, before Liz, I wasn’t the most mature fella. But, when I’m committed to something, I usually follow through. I’m committed to improving my life, and making things better for myself, and especially for my wife. Now that the stakes have been raised, that only increases my motivation to get it done. You see, some of you who know me may think that since I have no contact with my father (I haven’t seen him in over 20 years), that I may be a little wary of something like this. I didn’t have a dad, but I did have the greatest father figure in the world, my grandfather. He’s the best man that I ever knew, and I’m going to do my best to take after him, and handle this in a way that would make him proud. There’s nothing he loved more than his family, and that’s how I’ll be too.

Anyway, the thing that ties this in with zombies is that there is a part of me that is scared to death. I’m going to experience things from here on out that will be absolutely horrifying. This is where I will address them in a way that only I’m capable of. People find zombies to be scary because they’re the walking dead. Everything relating to death is scary to most people. I’m taking a different angle though. There’s a living thing growing inside of my wife, and it’s freaking me the fuck out! I’ll update “The Baby Chronicles” as the horror happens.

To be continued….


About malf922

33 year old married guy. I write about whatever is bouncing around this head of mine at any given moment.

12 responses to “The Baby Chronicles: Genesis”

  1. Tiffany says :

    You will do fine. I’m so very happy for you both. Just know that Donnie and I are here whenever you need us. You will be a fantastic father, I have no doubts.

    • malf922 says :

      Thank you Tiffany! I’m feeling pretty confident that I’ll be a good dad. I have good morals, and nothing in my life has ever been as important to me as this will be. Plus, Liz was born to be a mom. I’ve known this since day 1.

  2. Brian Seufert says :

    Guess I need to hurry up and knock some broad up huh?

    • malf922 says :

      The article that I read on Yahoo! said that I shouldn’t ask my friends who don’t have kids when they’ll get on the ball. I’m making it my mission to not be annoying about this. That being said, I’ve been shocked over that past 10 years that you of all people haven’t knocked someone up yet.

  3. Annie (Camille) says :

    No comment on the “dad” part…I think (hope) you know how I feel about THAT, but it sounds like you will make great parents! You definitely experienced first hand how NOT to do it! You’d better get in as much school as you can in the next 9 months while you still can get some sleep! Love ya, Annie

    • malf922 says :

      Honestly Annie, I don’t know how you feel about the whole dad thing. I get the impression that your feelings are similar to mine though. My feelings went from anger during childhood, then to self pity, and finally to my current state of indifference. I really don’t care about that whole situation anymore. I’m curious about a lot of things, but I don’t think that any news could really stir up any emotion at this point.

  4. Tom says :

    Congratulations!!! I think that you’ll make a good Red Foreman. You aren’t stupid as to what the world has to offer to your child, good and bad. But don’t let this deter you from finishing school and following your dream. If you to you will resent the kid and when he/she is old enough to go to college you won’t have that as a backup reason. Imagine you arguing with your kid who wants to be a bartender instead of going to school.

    • malf922 says :

      Thanks man. Red Foreman is a great example. I’d love to threaten to kick my kid’s ass for everything he or she does. That’d be fun. This actually drives me to go to school even more, since there’s more on the line now.

  5. mooselicker says :

    Big congrats! The first step in being a good father is actually wanting the kid. I’m sure Baby Mooselicker (assuming you name it that, after my blog and adding Baby to the front to distinguish between us) will grow up in a great home with loving parents.

    As far as writing fiction goes which you mentioned, it helps me if me or at least a part of me is a character in the story. After a few pages, it becomes something almost completely made-up. I tell you this because I’d love to read some sort of novel or screenplay by you. I think it’d turn out great.

    Again congratulations on your new adventure!

    • malf922 says :

      Baby Mooselicker was my first choice for a name, but I’m not sure I want a child who’s nickname is BM. I’m not sure that fiction is for me honestly. I have an imagination, but my story telling skills are lacking.

  6. Magog says :

    Congratulations Malf!

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