Oink!

It’s no mystery that men are pigs. I don’t even deny it, because most of us are. Women have multiple examples to back up their claims; men are sexual deviants, we smell bad, and we’re generally just gross. There’s nothing funnier to us than a good fart joke, or taking a picture of our poop. I even put a picture of an impressive dump that I took on my old Myspace page. It was a perfect question mark, and I had to share.

I’m an absolute pig, I know this. Not so much in a perverted way though. I can look at an attractive woman, process what I am looking at, and not make anyone feel uncomfortable. I know a few guys who shamelessly stare at women and give commentary, and I always think that they’re either trying to fit in, or just have a sad existence. You know it’s bad when other men are uncomfortable by your behavior. And even if the girl is dressed like a total whore and is worthy of nobody’s respect, I still don’t want to picture you “plowing” her with your little cocktail weenie of a dick, that you call “the python.”

Back to me though; I’m disgusting. I fart an average of 5 times an hour, I eat like I’m dying of starvation at almost every meal, and I love scratching my crotch. I actually had a fart the other night that smelled so bad that it went full circle. You know how when you fart, it’s funny to you, and only you? I was alone in the living room, and I had a fart that was so bad that I grossed myself out, and became angry with my body. I actually thought to myself “What the fuck is wrong with you?! You make me sick!”

Although I agree with women when they say that men are pigs, I don’t think that they should be allowed to say it. You know how black people are allowed to call each other the n-word, and nobody else is allowed to? This is not that kind of circumstance. Women shouldn’t be able to call men pigs, and it’s not because women are pigs too, because they’re not (usually). Men are pigs, but women are evil hypocrites.

Remember the talk show boom, back in the 90’s? The big show was Jerry Springer, but there were a couple of them driven towards a female audience, namely Ricki Lake and Jenny Jones. I cannot count how many episodes there were on those shows that were based on infidelity. After seeing a handful of episodes, I noticed a pattern. Every time it was based on a man cheating on a woman, it was because the man was a scumbag. Every time a woman cheated on a man, it was because the man was a scumbag. How much more of a bullshit scenario is there than that? The worst part is that the women in the audience, and even the ones watching it on tv ate it up every time. It almost seemed like a female version of a clan rally.

To make matters worse, this mentality has carried over into movies as well, and it’s not just the crappy movies either. There are very good, sometimes great movies that cater towards female hypocrisy. For instance, one of the few chick flicks that I like is You’ve Got Mail. Tom Hanks, Dave Chappelle, Dabney Coleman, and Jean Stapleton, that’s enough for me to love it. Anyway, the basic plot is that a woman who has a boyfriend falls in love with a man who has a girlfriend. If this plot took place in a bar, it’d be a sleazy guy movie. Since it takes place in an online chat room, and the people are bookstore owners, it’s about hopeless romantics. The only thing that differentiates an infidel with a hopeless romantic is their different grasps of reality.

I’ll even use one of my all-time favorite movies as an example, The Departed. I really have no gripes with this film, because it’s perfect in every way to me. A glaring example of what I’m trying to explain in this post lies within the movie though. The main bad guy is Jack Nicholson, but the real piece of shit is Matt Damon’s character. During the movie, his fiancée gets pregnant, possibly with Leonardo DiCaprio’s character. Actually, it’s pretty much implied that it’s DiCaprio’s baby. You never question the morality of this woman fooling her fiancée into believing that the baby is his, because he’s such a dirtbag. The thing is, the whole time this woman is cheating on her man, she has no idea that he’s such a scumbag. The whole time she was cheating, getting knocked up, then lying, she believes that he’s an ordinary cop, yet there is no moral dilemma. And what’s lower than fooling a man into believing that someone else’s child is his? I’ve never heard anyone say anything bad about the character that she plays though, which is funny. If the tables were turned, I’m sure that some women would bring up how much of an asshole the man is.

I’m sorry ladies, but every time I hear a woman say that men are pigs, although I may agree, I don’t feel sorry for you. Men are pigs and women are evil, and neither sex is superior to the other. As a matter of fact, I’d love to hear a woman call her man a pig, and have him reply “Oink, oink, you evil bitch!”

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About malf922

33 year old married guy. I write about whatever is bouncing around this head of mine at any given moment.

2 responses to “Oink!”

  1. mooselicker says :

    Love the examples of You’ve Got Mail and The Departed. Never thought about it that way.

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