The Baby Chronicles: Baby Bump

I’ve been a bit harsh towards women on here. I’m not a woman hater by any means, it’s just that when it comes to certain things, a large number of women are super obnoxious. Face it ladies, you have shitty opinions about a lot of things. That being said, there are many times that I’m ashamed to be a man. This is one of those times..

Since I found out that my wife is pregnant, I decided that I want to be involved in every aspect of this. I want to go to all of the classes, doctor visits, everything. I’m only going to be a first time father once, so I want to take it all in. Liz showed me an app for the iPhone that she downloaded called “Baby Bump,” that shows you interesting facts about your current stage of pregnancy, what to expect, baby names, and more. I decided to get the app for my phone too, so that I’d have something to read regarding this whole scenario.

There’s a large discussion board on the Baby Bump app, with a whole section dedicated to discussion for expecting fathers, and an “Ask Dad” category too. Some of the things these guys talk about is just, well, you’ll see. I’m going to show you a handful of questions, and even though I know nothing about being a father, I’ll try to answer them. These are actual questions that are on the forum. I’m not embellishing in the least.

“Does your wife/girlfriend get mad when you pee in the shower?”

No, but she get furious when I shit in the bathtub. What an uptight bitch!

“Does wanting to have anal sex make me gay?”

It depends on if you’re pitching or catching. If she’s taking it, you’re not gay, just inconsiderate. If she’s strapping one on, and going to town on you, then maybe. Even then it’s debatable. I do think that wondering if you’re gay makes you gay though.

“Do any of you guys go through your wife/girlfriend’s emails and text messages?”

Come again? Let me get this straight; you’re in a committed relationship, with a baby on the way, and not only do you snoop through your partner’s things, you’re wondering if this is normal behavior? Therapy, go now!

“My wife’s vagina is too wet, what should I do?”

Put your dick in it, duh. Describe “too wet.” Is she peeing on you? Wet = aroused. Does your wife ever complain that your dick is “too hard”?

“Does anyone else’s girlfriend put pop rocks in her mouth while blowing you?”

No, but sometimes we cram a bunch of popcorn kernels in her snatch, then fuck on top of the stove. Good times…

“Do you like it when she swallows?”

I don’t like blowjobs at all, yucky! And how dare you for even suggesting that I would even consider violating the mouth of my unborn child’s mother!

“Are any of you planning on eating the placenta?”

What’s a placenta? You mean the fleshy hefty bag that comes out?! Oh god, I just threw up on my keyboard…

“Is anyone else grossed out by their wife’s nipple hair?”

How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy this deep fried placenta when you guys keep asking disgusting questions? No, I love my wife’s nipple hair. I like her ball hair too. And her adam’s apple.

“Do you lie about watching porn?”

Porn?! I’m a virgin, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Our baby is a miracle from God. Seriously though, no, I don’t lie about watching porn. I only lie about starring in porn.

From a woman: “Why won’t my husband have sex with me now?”

In his defense, look at what happened last time he did it. He either learned his lesson last time, or he already accomplished his mission.

“Does anyone else not like it when they’re ordered to have sex?”

Whaaa! My wife finds me too desirable, boohoo! If you’re made to have sex when you don’t want to, that’s not an inconvenience, it’s a rape.

“I love going down on my wife, but she says eating pussy is bad for the baby.”

Is saliva toxic? I’ve never heard this one before. I have news for you buddy; you suck dick at eating pussy. Try putting some pop rocks in there.

There’s more questions than those too. I only checked the first 2 pages of the forums. So yeah, these are the questions fathers-to-be ask. I’m a bit embarrassed. In case you want to make sure that I’m not making this up, the app is called “Baby Bump.” There you go, ladies. Men are idiots too. You’re welcome.

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About malf922

33 year old married guy. I write about whatever is bouncing around this head of mine at any given moment.

2 responses to “The Baby Chronicles: Baby Bump”

  1. camstee says :

    If you think THOSE are crazy, you should hear some of the stuff we hear as nurses! I am certain some of my new babies were pulled from a gene puddle, because the pool ran dry a long time ago! It is amusing (and scary) to see how stupid some people really are!

    • malf922 says :

      What’s weird is that when I was young, my mom thought it was ok to tell me stories of gang shooting victims, and drug overdoses that she saw in the ER. Yet, the stories of people getting things stuck in their butts was too disturbing…

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