The Baby Chronicles: Urine is a Dish Best Served Cold
As I mentioned in a previous installment, we had another appointment scheduled with the doctor this past Tuesday. It wasn’t really to monitor the health of our little gummy bear, so much as to monitor my wife’s health on her new medication. Nothing big really. She had her blood pressure medication changed to something that is safer for her pregnancy. Like a good husband, I wanted to come along with her, just so I know exactly what is going on.
My wife’s homework for the week leading up to this appointment was to monitor her blood pressure on a daily basis, and to collect all of her urine for the 24 hours leading up to the appointment. The doctor also told us that we needed to keep her urine cold, in order to preserve the, um, I forgot why actually. We were left with two options; either keep the urine jug that the doctor supplied us with in the fridge, or keep it in an ice cooler in the bathroom. My wife opted for the second option, probably out of fear that I would accidentally drink it.
For the entire day leading up to our appointment, I had to look at this red and white Igloo brand cooler next to the toilet. I was tempted to put some of my pee in the jug, just to mess with the doctor, or maybe poop in it, and tell the doctor that I was worried about my wife’s health. Since there was more on the line than just my wife and I’s heath, I opted against both. Instead, I just stared at this cooler every time I used the restroom, wondering how I’d feel keeping my own little piss collection.
The next morning, we went to the OBGYN. Somehow, I was relegated as the pee cooler carrier. I put the cooler in the back of the car before we left. My wife looked at me like I was stupid, and said “Really?!” What did she expect me to say? “Oh, I can’t wait to have this stuff splashing around on me. I think I’ll put it on my lap! I know, I’ll unscrew the top too!” No, if something is disgusting, I put it as far from me as possible. In the back of the SUV it stayed.
As we walked into the office, I carried the red and white cooler. I was getting some strange and horrified looks from the Unfuckables in the waiting room. It took a second for it to register why they looked freaked out. These people thought I was carrying a dead baby into the clinic. It’s not like I could say “No, no, it’s just piss” either. Instead, I decided to just smile, to give off the message that we were there for a good reason. Only after the fact did I realize the people probably saw that as me being happy that I wouldn’t be a father, or that I was some weirdo who liked to carry urine around. Either way, I’m the dumbass.
Shortly after my wife signed in at the desk, we were called back to see the doctor. Nothing really exciting happened back there. They just weighed my wife, took her blood pressure, and drew some blood. Everything checked out fine.
I don’t remember how it happened, but somehow I was the one who ended up opening the cooler, and taking the piss jug to the testing lab. I think my wife had to go to the restroom, and the nurse asked me to bring the urine to their little lab that they had inside the clinic. Before I knew it, I was walking around with a jug of pee in my hand, and I could actually feel it splashing around inside of the container. Next thing I knew, I was holding this jug of pee, and I was surrounded by urine samples. There was a cup of pee right in front of me, with no lid on it. Being a bartender, I was naturally inclined to mix up a cocktail. I resisted that urge, thankfully. For those of you wondering if I can handle changing my child’s diapers; I carried my wife’s urine around with me, so I’m feeling confident that I can wipe my own child’s ass.
The last amusing thing that happened was when my wife answered some of the doctor’s questions. Liz had been peeing nonstop the night before, because her new medication was giving her a wicked case of cotton mouth, so she was drinking a ton of water. She actually filled the forty-plus ounce jug, and ended up having to flush some of her urine down the toilet, how bizarre. When she told the doctor this, the doctor began asking a million questions about the urine. “It’s not all here? How much more urine was there? What color was it? Did it have an odor to it?” All I could think was “What kind of pee fetish freak of a doctor are we dealing with here?” I’m sure that there was a good reason for the questions. I just figured that if someone hands you a big gulp cup full of piss, you don’t complain about the ten ounces you didn’t get. I personally would have said “Don’t worry, doc. I’m literally a pee factory at this point. There’s plenty more where that came from.”
Anyway, everything still looks great at this point. I’ll update the news as I receive it. There is one more thing though….
I am officially convinced that my “Baby Bump” app was created by a group of women who want men to pamper them, and fulfill their every need!
Don’t get me wrong, I treat my wife like she deserves to be treated, especially while she’s carrying our first child. But, it isn’t Baby Bump’s place to tell me how to treat her.
I downloaded the app for details on my unborn child’s size, what’s developing, etc. It usually tells me things like “Your baby is currently the size of a green olive. It’s eyes are now fully developed!” or something like that. The size is always compared to a food, which is weird to me. Anyway, the last time I looked at an update, it said “Try offering your partner a back rub. If she looks uncomfortable, ask her where it hurts, and rub that spot for her.” I understand that a back rub is something that I should do to comfort my wife, but it isn’t Baby Bump’s place to tell me to do it, it’s my wife’s.
Anyway, the second I read that message, I immediately pictured a bunch of unsatisfied women in front of the computers typing this shit. I can’t wait to see what’s next: “Tell her that she’s sexy,” “Don’t fart under the sheets,” “Do the laundry for her,” “Watch her shitty tv shows with her,” etc. I’d get a different pregnancy app, if I didn’t get so much of my funny material from it’s messages and forum.
Ok, that’s it for today. We have another appointment with the doctor on Monday. As always, The Baby Chronicles updates as the news does!
To be continued…