The Baby Chronicles: “And may their first child be a masculine child.”

We had yet another appointment with the doctor this past Tuesday. The reason for this appointment was for screenings for various disorders that can be detected early on, including Downs Syndrome.

We walked into the OBGYN office, and what did we see in the waiting room? The usual group of senior citizens, and approximately one woman in our age group. I still can’t believe that old ladies have vaginas. Why? All they’re doing at that age is peeing with that thing. I should invent some sort of genital crack sealant, that leaves the opening needed for urination, and that’s it. It’d be so much simpler for these poor women, and they wouldn’t have to see the doctor all the time. I bet if I did it, I’d be a bigger hero to them than Bob Barker. Oh yeah, there was one man in the room who was around my age. He was alone, and holding a purse, poor bastard.

My wife had to pee after she signed in, so I took a seat while she went to leave her specimen. Unlike the poor bastard in the waiting room, I made sure that she took her purse with her. She came back and took a seat next to me, and a few minutes later, we were called back.

We went into the room where they do the sonograms and ultrasounds, and my wife laid back on the bed. The overly excited woman (who is very sweet, by the way) came in and placed the lubricant/jelly on my wife’s abdomen. Her first question to my wife was “Did you pee?” to which my wife answered “Shit! Yeah, I did.” Apparently, this ultrasound is easier with a full bladder, because it pushes the baby up higher, out of the pelvic region, and is easier to see. We attempted the ultrasound anyway, and although we could see our child, we weren’t getting the angles we needed for this screening. The ultrasound lady had the answer; a can of soda. She handed my wife a can of Coke, and sent her back to the waiting room. The caffeine will make the baby move around a little bit, and the fluids will fill the bladder, win/win.

While we were waiting for my wife to fill her tank, we went ahead and had them take her blood, which is sent off to be examined. About a half hour after that, my wife was ready for another ultrasound. We headed back into the room, lubed my wife up again, and everything was visible. The lady did a measurement of our baby’s neck, and identified the nasal bone. Having a nasal bone at this point is one of the things they check for Downs Syndrome, and the skin on the back of it’s neck is another. Nothing looked abnormal, but I think we’re still waiting for lab results to be certain. Nobody seemed worried, or gave us any kind of reason to be alarmed, so I’m assuming that so far, everything is good. Then the ultrasound lady said “While I’m here, let’s take a look down below, and see if we can determine gender.

She looked at the baby’s private parts area, and said “Ok, there are the legs, and we have one leg, two legs…. three legs.” followed by “I’ve been wrong before, but let me take a different look. There it is again, three legs.” at which point I let out a big “Oh yeah!” followed by a Tiger Woods fist pump. Here’s a couple of pictures of my son’s little dinger:

The above picture has an arrow pointing at his little pee-pee, I think the angle is from beneath him.

I think this picture is from below also, and his little man bits are in the middle of the shot.

I was shocked that we found out so early on, because my wife is only twelve weeks along, but the ultrasound tech seemed pretty sure. She said that she’s been wrong in the past, and then showed us three different angles of his penis. I’m going to go ahead and run with my kid being a boy.

I would have been happy to have a daughter too, because the baby being healthy is far and away the most important thing. I’m so happy to have a son simply because I know how to handle guy stuff. “Your wee-wee is feeling funny when you look at pretty girls? That’s ok, it’s normal.” “You want to play baseball? I’ll be your coach!” I can do all of that stuff. With a girl, it’s a different story. “Your boobs are growing? Umm, talk to your mother.” “Blood is coming out of your pee-hole? I’ll cut a couple of holes in the bottom of this trash bag, and you wear it until your mom gets home.”

On top of that, two of my very best friends just had boys, so I know that my son will have a couple of good friends with good parents. My wife’s best friend has three girls, so either way we were good. Another thing is that my mother already has a granddaughter from my sister, so now she’ll have one of each.

Like I’ve said before, ten fingers and ten toes is a winner. Ten fingers, ten toes, and one penis is a mega-winner. If I had a healthy daughter, I’d feel like I won the lottery. With a healthy son, I’ll feel like I won the powerball.