Stop the Violence!
I know what many of you probably think about me. You all probably believe that I’m some sort of super powered, almighty badass, who just walks around beating the piss out of random people who look at me the wrong way.
I’m sure that you think a vacation for me involves going to some jungle in Africa, or a rainforest in South America, and wrestling the biggest gorilla, or trying to outsmart and outfight a ligerpantheetah, which everyone knows is a liger (from Napoleon Dynamite) crossed with a pantheetah (panther/cheetah, duh), which is pretty much my favorite animal.
I’m sorry to disappoint my millions of fans, but you’re only half right. I am in fact a super powered, almighty badass, and I can do all of those things, but I don’t, and I never will. Why? Because doing things like getting into fistfights, and trying to convince people that you’re tough is fucking stupid. Let me put it this way: being a tough guy who gets into fights is like a “buy one, get one free” sale, because you’re going to end up being friends with people who are all of equal or lesser value than you.
Now, my reason for this triumphant return to the blogging realm isn’t to attack these so-called badasses. I’ve already made a post about that. My reason for this particular piece is to attack gangs, which is totally different.
I know what you’re all thinking, “But King RageLaugh, I live in (insert your home here: Maine, the UK, Phillipines, I’m international!), what’s a gang?” Well, I’ll tell you what a gang is, by showing you a short series of pictures.
This is the frill-neck lizard. It’s defense mechanism is quite brilliant. Whenever in danger in it’s natural habitat of North Australia, it fans out it’s neck skin, thus frightening it’s attacker. Pretty smart actually. Whenever I wonder if I could take someone in a fight, I know the skin on his neck is the place that I examine first.
This is a Chevy Corvette. It boasts one of the largest engines in the production car industry. Guys buy these cars to impress their friends, and most importantly, women. The philosophy is that you drive up next to a woman, rev your engine a few times, and she hops in, and fulfills your every desire.
This is a truck with huge tires. White men who can’t afford a Corvette sometimes opt for something of this nature instead. The general logic behind this is, um, you know what? I have no idea what the logic is. Do some women have a tire fetish? I mean maybe if the chick has father issues, and her dad worked at a garage. Or maybe if her last boyfriend was the Michelin Man. I honestly don’t see the point. I’ve never been in my truck (I do drive a pickup truck), and thought “If only I had tires that were four feet in diameter.”
Finally, this is your basic street gang. You might have noticed that I borrowed the image from the gritty Hollywood drama “A Story About Boyz from the West Side of the Hood,” or something like that. The gang logic is to gather as large of a group as possible, to intimidate your rivals. The added bonus is if five guys mug one guy, nobody will notice what a pansy you are in reality.
So, do you see the theme that I’ve developed here? Large neck, large engine, large tires, and large group. What do they all add up to?
Thanks Condeweezy! That’s the pet name that she asked me to call her. It all adds up to being very small, in every way possible. Small mind, small body, small wangus, everything. I’ll let Isuro Tanaka from Major League II drive the point that I’m making so well home. Take it away Tanaka!
No marbles indeed. If you’re in a gang, and you like “jumping” people, then you are a gutless turd, with no marbles.
Now, what is the appropriate reaction to all of these thugs that I see on the mean streets of suburban Tampa, loitering the shopping mall? Kinda hard to look tough, when your “hood” has a 9 PM curfew. Anyway, what’s the proper reaction? I know what you’re thinking; being a nuclear powered, UFC loving machine of ass-kickery, I should just bludgeon every little gang punk that I see. But you’re wrong, I’m not a nuclear powered, UFC loving machine of ass-kickery. I’m a nuclear powered, UFC loving pacifist. I don’t condone violence (unless you fuck with my wife or family, in which case, game on). Fighting solves nothing. I’m American, and what do Americans do? That’s right, we blame others! But who can I blame for gang violence? I’ll tell you who….
I blame Paul Hogan, and his home country of Australia for American gang violence, and frankly, I’m upset that you didn’t figure this out on your own.
What’s your impression of an Australian man? Someone who runs into the wild and headbutts kangaroos for fun, right? What do you think an insecure American would think when he sees this? Wrong! He does not think that he needs to be tough too, or else the Aussies will finally invade America, and we’ll all have sexy accents that drive my wife crazy! Wait, what did I just say?! Anyway, no, he won’t fear an Aussie invasion. It’s common knowledge that those dingo humpers can’t fly or swim, and are permanently stuck on their island (unless they can act).
I blame Paul Hogan for the gang violence, shootings especially, for one short, yet very famous, movie clip.
Before Crocodile Dundee, gang members carried switchblade knives with them, which were basically nail files, or Swiss army knives. Anyone can survive a simple stabbing, unless you’re some kind of pansy. So now, they all carry guns. Now, I know that I’m bulletproof, but what about my minions? Seriously, now it’s only a matter of time before there’s some Dundee remake, where the guy comes from war torn Africa. Then there will have to be a scene where the guy clicks “That’s not a gun” (it’ll be subtitled), and will pull out a bazooka. Before you know it, gang members will carry bazookas, and then we’re all screwed. Well, unless the bazooka misses my face, in which case, I’ll survive.
So there you have it, our Australian friends are the reason for gang violence. Thanks to all of my readers for the text messages, emails, and snarky comments about my lack of writing. I’ve been doing other things, but I have some other topics that I plan on scribbling about for you in the coming weeks, so stay tuned.