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For Just $399 You Can Be Part of the Problem

As pretty much anyone who has spoken to me for more than a minute in the past few months knows, I have two dogs that I’m insanely in love with. I’ve always been very fond of dogs, and once my wife and I moved out of our apartment and into a house, I wanted to get one. Dogs are great, and I think every household is better with one making a mess of it.

All of that being said, I’m going to emphasize right now that I am not one of those screwballs who places the value of a dog’s life above, or even parallel with that of a human being. As a matter of fact, there is no organization that I hate more than PETA. Those guys are extremist idiots, and should be forced to wear muzzles. But, just because I value your human life over that of a lovely canine, I would most likely rather spend my time with my dogs than you. Actually, I’d probably prefer hanging out with any dog over your average schmo.

What is there not to love about dogs anyway? They’re usually happy, and they devote their entire lives to their owners. Having a dog is like having a very close friend who is always thrilled to see you. Their mental capacity doesn’t go to the realm of dramatic acting. When they go crazy when you get home, and start wagging their tail so furiously that they end up shaking the entire back half of their bodies back and forth, that’s not acting. They are genuinely that happy to see you.

It’s this love and appreciation for dogs that makes my daily drive to work so irritating. I’m irritated because I’ve been seeing the same guy in a puppy outfit on the side of the road every day, holding a sign that reads “Puppies $399.”

I’m irritated for more reasons than I care to write, but I’ll give as good of an explanation as I can. First and foremost, puppies that you buy at pet stores come from puppy mills more often than not. While the puppy mill people adamantly claim that they do not put down the dogs that they cannot sell, they are obviously pumping out as many dogs as they can possibly sell. These pet stores then try to persuade you into buying a dog on impulse. Dogs are living things that you adopt, and take into your house, and treat as a member of your family. They are not a new pair of jeans.

Also, puppy mills take focus away from pet shelters and animal rescues, who take in animals that desperately need homes. Why do animal shelters do this? I’ll tell you what isn’t their motivating factor; money. These shelters exist because the people who fund and run them love animals, and want them to be happy. Instead of seeing dogs as a business, they see dogs as a species that is being exploited by people who tug at the heartstrings of others, in order to turn a profit.

Many people go to pet stores because they want a specific breed. I can’t say that I don’t understand that, because I have a dream of being an older man whose children have grown up, who sits in his recliner, with his loyal Rottweiler by his side. I’ve interacted with several rotties who were family pets, and they were some of the coolest dogs I’ve ever met. That being said, looking back at it, I sort of see people who only want a specific breed as dog nazis, trying to have the superior race. If you want a certain breed though, that’s fine. There is an animal rescue for pretty much every type of dog, so please look there for your dream pet.

There’s another small myth that I’ve heard, which suggests that puppies that you get at the pound are damaged goods, and make bad pets. I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on that right now. Yes, some pets at the shelter have been neglected or abused, but the majority are just dogs that could not be properly taken care of. The ones that have rough pasts have it written in their description on the cage, or on the website anyway, so the people who are qualified to care for them can adopt them.

This is Xander, who I refer to as my firstborn son. Disregard the ribbon on his collar, because I didn’t put it there, the groomer did, earlier that evening. We got Xander from the Humane Society here in Tampa, and it’s the best choice that my wife and I made since getting married. You can’t find a more lovable dog anywhere, and he’s a pound puppy.

This is our boxer, Mosley. I wasn’t a huge fan of boxers before meeting him, and I don’t know if I’m a fan of the breed now, or just a huge fan of his. Mosley is originally a pet store puppy, but we actually took him in because my older sister was downsizing her living arrangement, and wanted him to be somewhere where he would have space to run and play. He’s even more gentle than Xander, who is half his size. He’s a bit of a wuss actually, but I love him unconditionally anyway.

Xander and Mosley are quite fond of one another, to the point where when we get home, Mosley greets us at the door, then runs to Xander’s crate, as if to say “Release my buddy please!” As much as they love each other, it doesn’t compare to how much me and Liz love them.

So if you still want to go to a pet store for your dog, it’s your right to do so. Just please know that you’re in the wrong, and that you’re paying a heap of money to be part of the problem. I, for one, sleep well at night, knowing that my wife and I did the right thing, and are extremely lucky to have the amazing furry companions that we do. I think for now on, that guy in the puppy suit is getting a horn honk, accompanied by a middle finger, every time I pass. Am I a dick? I don’t think so.


The Moral High Ground of Indifference

I think my biggest love/hate relationship is with politics. I love it, because the stupid opinions and campaign ploys that they form are a source of endless humor. I hate it, because their stupid opinions and campaign ploys cater to the uninformed beliefs of the morons who vote for them. Think about it for a few seconds, then continue reading. Don’t worry, this isn’t totally a political post, for all of you who complain when I write about that stuff.

The biggest sore thumb that sticks out, in the myriad of horrible opinions by potential US presidents, is the gay marriage “debate.” I put “debate” in quotes, because it shouldn’t be an issue at all. Unfortunately it is, because the majority of right wing voters are either uneducated on the subject of equality, or are blinded by their religious beliefs. Instead of being a true leader, and educating the people on the topic, thus making our nation an even greater place to live, politicians choose to cater to these immoral opinions, in order to gain popularity.

Ok, I know that I said this wouldn’t be too political, and I’ve already broken that promise. I’m going to say this one last political thing, and then give my solution to the gay marriage debate.

I liken politicians like Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, and Rick Santorum to crippled people. I say this, because they rely on two crutches and a wheelchair. The crutches are the United States Constitution, and the Bible.

Think about it; if you put up a debate on gun control, they fall onto their Constitution crutch, and say that they have a right to bear arms. It seems to go unmentioned that the reason we have that right is to prevent our government from being overthrown by the British. If you try to have a moral debate about the law, they will fall on this crutch every time. I’m not even saying that people shouldn’t have the right (I’m personally against it though). I’m just saying that these men can’t even put up a logical argument.

The other crutch is the Bible, which is where the gay marriage debate always falls. Personally, I’m not religious, but even if I was, I would take the Bible more as an outline on how to behave, and not as a literal, word-for-word handbook to life. How is being gay immoral? If you are in love with someone of the same sex, and that’s all you’re attracted to, are you really evil? If you want to be married, and recognized as a legitimate, legal couple, you shouldn’t be allowed to, because a group of zealots who don’t agree with your stance don’t want you to? They have no relation to you, yet they dictate what you can, and cannot do? Free country, my ass.

Finally is the wheelchair that politicians fall on, and cruise their way along to an easy argument. The wheelchair is your pocketbook. I’m only going to touch on this for a second, because it’s irrelevant to the matter at hand, but you see it a lot. Any time the topic of new taxes that could greatly help our nation relieve the national debt arise, your pocketbook (and certainly theirs too) is their immediate interest. “Sure, the US dollar is plummeting, but they want to take money out of your pocket to relieve it! Don’t let President LL Cool J do that to you! Vote for me!”

Ok, time for me to come full circle, and give my solution to the gay marriage debate, as promised.

On issues like gun control and taxes, I understand why people should be concerned. I may not agree with the right wing opinion, but I do agree that it should be addressed. But gay marriage? It doesn’t affect me, or anyone but the parties involved, so I take the moral high ground of indifference. I don’t care, get married, adopt kids, and enjoy life. You live in America and pay taxes, so you have the same rights that I do, as far as I’m concerned. Gay people are people, plain and simple. Just because they’re attracted to something that I’m not does not prohibit them from their rights.

Here’s a little cherry on top that involves a bit of insight to my personal life, with a dash of humility. People think that seeing gay couples, along with exposure to “gay activities” can influence a child to turn to that kind of a lifestyle. Being gay isn’t a choice though, it’s just who they are. If anyone should be gay, I should, but I’m not. I was raised predominantly by women. I had one positive male influence consistently in my life, in the form of the greatest grandfather that a kid could ever want. Other than that, it was my mom, grandmother, and my sister (who had more of an influence on me than she’ll take credit for) who helped mold me. I lived mostly with my mom and sister, with no men in the picture who had any meaning in my life. My father split when I was very young, and I don’t know much of anything about him (yet another state of indifference for me. I cared back then, not any more though.) I actually don’t even know how many other siblings I have. I know of a sister, and I think that’s it.

I even took ballet as a young child! Yeah, it’s embarrassing, and also true. My sister took ballet, and I guess that I got jealous or something (I was young), so my mom signed me up too. Not only that, my mom worked in the ER as a nurse for most of my childhood, and she brought gay friends over (GASP!). Yeah, I knew gay guys as a kid, and guess what?! They were (and still are, hi Joe!) awesome people. I knew what “gay” is, and absorbed the whole situation much earlier than most people. And after all of that, guess what? I’m not gay! I have no gay inclinations whatsoever. I’m attracted to women, and that was never in question. And if I was gay, so what?

I’ve heard the argument from parents, and their displeasure of having to explain uncomfortable topics with their children. If you don’t want to explain hard life lessons to your kids, then kids aren’t for you. Gay marriage is barely even the tip of the iceberg. I’ll gladly explain it to my son, when the time comes. And guess what? If my son ends up being gay, I won’t care, as long as he’s happy. Sometimes not caring is the appropriate answer.

Reasons to be Thankful

As most of you know, yesterday was Thanksgiving here in the States. Some people think that it’s cheesy or corny to list the things that you are thankful for. I am not one of these people. I think that if you aren’t thankful for what you have in your life, then you’re ungrateful. I’m going to list the things that I’m thankful for now. Sorry, this won’t be funny or angry. I’m allowed to speak from the heart sometimes, right?

I’m thankful that I’m not the kind of person who goes to the bar on Thanksgiving. I deal with people like this, and it depresses the hell out of me to see these people. One guy is separated from his wife because he’s out drinking and doing coke every night. His pal ends up at the bar because him and his wife got into a knock down, drag out fight, on Thanksgiving, in front of their children. I know my mother was worried about me growing up, since apparently my father was a fan of the booze. Not me, Mom. I can drink, but I can also not drink, just like you. I think I learned my moderation from you.

I’m thankful for my dog, Xander. I know it sounds silly, but I really am. We got him about 6 months ago, mainly because my wife pushed me into it. I’ve always loved dogs very, very much. But I had a dog growing up, and he didn’t get nearly enough attention, and I always felt guilty about it. That is not the case with Xander. Our dog is smothered with love on a daily basis. If I said that I didn’t love that dog, or that getting him didn’t change my life, I’d be lying my ass off. Every night that I work, all I think about on the ride home is the wagging tail that will greet me at the door. It seems that we’ll be getting another dog in the very near future, and I can’t wait. Don’t worry, Lucie. He’ll be loved, and you and Isabel can come over any time you want to visit him. I’ll even give you a key to our house if you want.

I’m thankful for my friends. I’ve had the same friends since I was eleven years old. I’m thirty-three now, and my best friends that I had growing up are still my best friends now. I love you guys just as much as family, because to me you are family. You were up there with me when I got married, and I know you’ll be there when this amazing ride that we call “life” comes to an end. I’d walk into traffic without asking why for you guys. My kids are going to have quite a few uncles.

I’m thankful that so far, conception and pregnancy haven’t been a problem for me and my wife. We got pregnant with no issues, and so far Liz is doing great. I know it’s early, and I’m not one to take things for granted, but I feel like I have to be thankful that so far, everything looks great. I’ll be thankful to be a father as well, and I’m going to use every fiber in my body to be the best dad that I can be. That’s my promise to my unborn child.

I’m thankful for my family, as well as the family that I was lucky enough to marry into. I know that as far as my family goes, we chose to take the scenic route, as far as reaching our intended destination goes. I also know that I was a pain in the ass of epic proportions at times. We made it though, and I love you very much. I’m looking forward to having my child’s grandmother nearby as well. We know how important that was to me growing up, and I’m sure that it will be the same for this child.

As far as the family that I was lucky enough to marry into goes, what can I say? You’ve made me feel like a part of the family since our first Christmas dinner, nine years ago. I can’t believe it’s been that long, but it has. Living a few houses down from you will be great, and I’m very excited. I can’t be thankful enough for how lucky I am to be a part of your family.

Most of all, I’m thankful for my wife, Liz. I know there was a brief period in time where our future was in question. That was my fault, but rest assured that there is no longer a question at all. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her, and for very good reason. As great of a person as she seems to everyone, she’s so much more than any of you know. I can trust her with my life, and I hope that she knows that she can trust me with hers. Some people think it’s cheesy when married couples refer to each other as their “best friend.” That’s because those people have never experienced the kind of relationship that Liz and I have. She is without question my best friend, and I am beyond thankful for being so lucky to have someone like her in my life.

That’s what I’m thankful for this year. I’m certain that in the future, I will have much more to be thankful for. I may be bitter, harsh, crude, skeptical, and a bit of a smartass. One thing that I’m not is ungrateful. I truly hope that all of you had a great Thanksgiving, and that you all realize the amazing things you have in your lives.

Oh, I’M the Asshole?!

I’m not sure when it started, but somewhere along the line I’ve developed a reputation for being the asshole of my group, but it’s untrue. I’m actually a nice person. Seriously, I am! I just have a hard time hiding my true feelings about some things, and certain people, so I don’t bother.

What qualifies someone as an asshole anyway? Is it your attitude towards life? Is it the way that you treat others? Is it your manners? Is it the way you dress? Is it your honesty, or lack thereof? Is it your ego? It’s probably a mixture of all of the above.

I know why I developed the reputation actually. It’s because ever since childhood, if I didn’t like, or had a problem with someone, I’d let it be known. I don’t know what triggered me to be this way, but I don’t regret it at all. I have problems with very few people anyway, so it’s not a big deal. I’m just a fan of honesty, so I tell it like it is. I hate when people are nice to someone, only to trash them as soon as they’re out of earshot, so I do my best to avoid doing that. Ask anyone who knows me; I’m not one to blow sunshine up your ass. If I say something nice to or about you, it’s because I mean it. I know, I’m a dick.

Another reason that I’ve been labeled this way is because I’m not afraid of confrontation. It’s true that I don’t shy away from an argument, but I never go looking for one. Yes, if someone needs to be talked to, I’ll do it. But, I don’t savor a fight. I just don’t like pussy-footing around something. I’ve only had maybe 2 real arguments with people all year, and 1 of those was with Brian, so that doesn’t even count.

Yet another reason that people see me in a negative light is because of the fact that other people’s opinions about me have no effect on me. Is that a bad thing? I thought that we weren’t supposed to care about that kind of thing, are we not? It’s not like I walk around telling people that I don’t care what they think either. I’m just unaffected by people’s comments, big deal. If I drew attention to myself, and then told people that I didn’t care what they thought, then yes, I’d be an asshole. For instance, people who dress ridiculously, with a bunch of piercings and tattoos, who claim to not care. They’re assholes. They say that they don’t care, but it’s so obvious that they do. My appearance is as average as can be. I draw no attention to myself, because I don’t care to.

Another reason that I’m not an asshole is because when I’m being an asshole, I know it. Have you ever talked to someone who is a total jerk, but has no idea that they’re this way? That’s a real asshole! All you hear is “bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, me, me, me” yet these people seem to think that they’re totally fine. If I’m being an asshole, I’m the first one to admit it. If you’re an asshole, but you have no idea that you’re an asshole, that makes you a super asshole.

No, I’m not a super popular guy. I don’t have hundreds of friends, I don’t always aim to please, and I’m not always super nice to everyone. That’s just the way I am. The bottom line is that I try to be positive about life, I show respect to others until given a reason not to, I’m polite, I don’t attract attention to myself, I’m honest, and I don’t have an ego. I’m not an asshole!

About a year ago, someone I know referred to me as an asshole, as if it were my pet name or something. The funny thing is that the person who did this is a total asshole, far worse than me. “Wait, I’m the asshole?!” Maybe people like to project onto someone who doesn’t really care. Maybe I’m misunderstood. Maybe I am an asshole. Maybe you’re an asshole. Maybe people should stop giving a shit, and worry about themselves. Maybe I should stop writing now.

R.I.P. Equality and Fairness

I’m having a very hard time not harping on the same 3 topics over and over again, with every post that I make. It’s not that I have writers block, or anything like that either. I can write about almost anything for 1,000 words in my sleep. I’m not bragging, it’s just a talent that I have. You guys have your own gifts as well, like being able to spot a quality blog to read, obviously.

I think that my problem is that I’m either bothered by something too much, or not at all. For instance, I couldn’t possibly care less about animal rights. To me, they’re animals, so they don’t have any rights. I love dogs as much, if not more than anyone else, and if I saw someone abusing one, they’re going to have a serious fucking problem, because I’d lose control. But I don’t think that dogs have rights. If digging out a dog’s eyeballs with a rusty spoon will somehow move us closer to a cure for cancer, then I’m going to donate my entire silverware drawer to The American Cancer Society. And then there’s stuff that bothers me way to much, like the way celebrities are treated by the public, and more importantly, by the law.

Lindsay Lohan just got done serving 4 1/2 hours of a 3 week jail sentence, for violating her parole for the umpteenth time. This dumb cunt gets arrested at least twice a year for DUI and public intoxication, and hasn’t paid for it one bit. Her reputation hasn’t even been damaged, because people who are smart enough to see her for what she is already assumed that she acted like this, and the stupid whores who like her just think that this adds to her “party girl” image.

Nobody has yet to give one justifiable reason why she gets off with less than a slap on the wrist for something that would ruin the life of someone of normal stature. The court’s excuse for the early release (if you call it that) was that someone of her popularity would be in danger in jail, so they gave her house arrest. If “house arrest” means getting placed in a mansion in Malibu for a few months, then where do I sign up? If I was a celebrity who would get beaten up in jail, I’d see that as a reason to stay the fuck out of trouble, but hey, that’s just me.

Then there’s Dr Conrad Murray, the doctor who was just convicted of accidental manslaughter for killing Michael Jackson. Let me clarify one thing; I believe that the doctor was partially in the wrong for what he did. He administered a lethal dose to Jackson, and showed irresponsibility. But, the public’s reaction to Jackson’s death, and to the doctor’s trial, was nothing short of sickening.

Michael Jackson was a sick human being, and saying shit like “Rest in peace Michael,” or “You’ll be missed” is just plain bullshit. He was the king of pop, and a great performer, but he molested children. I have yet to meet anyone who believes otherwise, because we all know he was guilty of sexually molesting those kids. I’ll be the asshole, and say “Thanks for Thriller, now burn in hell, you sick fuck.” If Conrad Murray had killed any other child molester on the planet, people would have thrown a parade in his honor, but because of who he killed, he’s just a shitty doctor. Being great at something does not equal being a great person. Michael Jackson was a great performer, but a shitty, fucked up human being. Fuck him, I’m glad that he’s dead.

Then there’s the small ones, like Dale Earnhardt. He seemed like an okay guy. I mean, he didn’t even know his son Kerry until he was an adult, but Kerry seemed fine with it, so why should I care? But I still see #3 decals on several cars driving down the street, and people still talk about how Dale was taken from us too soon. Earnhardt died over a decade ago, I think it’s time to move on. Plus, you have to consider what he did for a living. “Wait, you’re telling me that a 50 year old man, who drove around a track at 200 miles per hour in a tin can died?! The hell you say!” He knew the risks, he paid the price, move on.

Amy Winehouse died this year too, shocker. This one is bad because people feel sorry for her. She died of alcohol poisoning, and she also had drug problems. This is where the “addiction is a disease” excuse comes in. People with many college degrees and many years of research will back up this argument too, which makes me mad. Addiction isn’t a disease, it’s a consequence. You know the risk of substance abuse, if you ignored those risks, then you pay the price. Blaming it on a “disease” is pathetic. I’ve been addicted, and I’ve quit. Pills were a bitch for me, and I got off them when I realized that they were ruining my life. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I knew the damage that it was doing. That’s how a fucking adult handles it. Calling addiction a disease is just calling yourself weak, as far as I’m concerned. It’s an excuse and a cop out. Yes, your body is dependent on the chemicals after extended use. You know what you do? Either go to rehab and support groups, or if you’re like me, lock yourself up at home and ride out the misery like I did. You don’t contract addiction like a disease. You get yourself into the mess like an idiot. Toughen up, and get yourself out of it. If I did it, so can others.

I’ll even turn the gun on myself, and talk about someone famous whom I’m a huge fan of; Kurt Cobain. See what I did there? “Turn the gun on myself”? Ah, I can’t get anything by you guys! Kurt killed himself because he was battling heroin addiction, along with depression. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think marrying a psychotic junkie bitch like Courtney Love really helped either.

I still remember seeing the droves of people outside of his house, crying their eyes out. These people didn’t even know him, yet they were acting like he was their friend. I love Nirvana, they’re one of the greatest bands ever, in my opinion. But as sad as I was, Kurt didn’t deserve my tears, because suicide isn’t an option. If you’re terminally ill, and you’re suffering, then I support your decision to opt out. Jack Kevorkian was right in doing what he did, but Cobain wasn’t someone who Jack would have assisted.

When you have stage 4 lung cancer, there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. All your future holds is pain and suffering. I wouldn’t want to live either, so I respect your decision to end your life. But if you’re hooked on smack, there’s still options. Plus, I’m not a father yet, but I couldn’t imagine doing that to my wife and child. To shoot yourself, and leave your daughter with her junkie mother, I don’t know, it’s sad. I couldn’t do it. Kurt Cobain was an amazing musician, but he obviously lacked in the moral department. Comedian Nick DiPaolo said it best, “My nuts are empty, and my wallet’s full, woe is me.” I’m sorry that he did it, but I’m not sorry for him. Suicide is for pussies.

I think the point of this little piece that I’ve written is clear, and that point is that the rich and famous get special treatment not only from the public, but by the law as well.

All you have to do is take the names away to see it clearly.

Woman who is repeat offender for driving drunk only serves 4 hours in jail. Fucking bullshit.

Doctor kills child molester with lethal drug overdose. Good! Fuck that guy, and free the doc!

Over the hill race car driver died 10 years ago on the track. That’s too bad, but he knew the risks. It’s been 10 years, time to move on.

Rich chick couldn’t stop partying, and lay off of the sauce, and died of alcohol poisoning. She had no self control, it was bound to happen. Oh well.

Heroin addict blew his brains out, leaving a family behind. I feel sorry for the kid, but not him. He pulled the trigger when there were other options. Too bad.

How is what I’m saying wrong, and if I’m right, then why the hell am I the only one who says these harsh truths?

The Adventures of @HeyGuysItsTonyOMG

I’ve been on Twitter for a while now, and I joined Facebook a couple of months back as well. Twitter I absolutely love, it’s great. It’s limited to 140 characters, so not many people are able to be too obnoxious. You get news faster than anyone, and many of the comics that are on there tweet some hilarious stuff.

Facebook is alright too. I definitely don’t love it like Twitter, but I was found by a relative from the unknown side of the family, which is awesome, and it’s been a good tool to keep in touch with my friends who I don’t see often enough. It’s also a good way to let my friends know about this blog. It serves it’s purpose well, but it’s not something that I couldn’t live without, like Twitter.

Unfortunately, there’s always the people who can make anything excruciating to read, because you can just feel the attention-whoring seep through your computer screen. With all of the status updates, profile pics, self-centered boring as fuck tweets, etc. For instance, one of the most horrible and obnoxious people I’ve ever seen on a social networking site has repeatedly posted nonsense, such as “sigh,” multiple times, to the point to where all I can do is unfollow, unfriend, and stay away.That sucks too, because I always try to be nice to everyone at first. Once I’ve given up is when I’ve gained the reputation for being a bit harsh.

Another thing that gets to me is the way people treat each other on sites like Facebook. When I joined, I sent out maybe 20 friend requests to the people I know, and all of them accepted. A few more people sent me requests, and I accepted them all. I’ve actually only denied one request, and that’s because the woman is the psychotic ex girlfriend/baby momma of a guy that I don’t even hang out with anymore. Why would I take on baggage that even he stays away from?

Anyway, one person had the nerve to unfriend me on Facebook, and he wasn’t even a friend of mine to begin with. My friend’s cousin was a Facebook friend of mine, and he’s alright. I don’t hang out with him, but I don’t hate him either. Anyway, I’ve interacted with him maybe twice on Facebook, just to leave a comment on his biased sports related posts. All he ever talks about is sports, and he’s usually wrong, but I refrained from bashing. If that’s all you talk about though, you’d figure that the ability to form an intelligent opinion would be a given, but not with this guy. Anyway, this guy unfriended me! I never did or said anything bad about him, and I even offered to buy him a beer next time I saw him. The funny thing is that if he wasn’t the cousin of a close friend of mine, then I wouldn’t give two shits about him at all. Ah well, some people are just like that.

Anyway, some of the people I’ve seen are just awful. Most are great, but a lot are horrible. It’s mostly women, but I can’t exclude men all together, because some of the guys are bad too. Do you people understand how much of an asshole I would be if I pulled the shit that you do? I don’t think that you do, so I created a Facebook/Twitter alter ego, to demonstrate how silly some of you are. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a day in the online life of @HeyGuysItsTonyOMG!

“Going to Publix to get milk guys, just wanted you to know.”

“Grrr, this lady is taking too long to ring people up, and she’s FAT lol.”

“I just watched the Kardashian wedding. Kim is so beautiful. Where’s MY prince charming?”

@HeyGuysItsTonyOMG has changed his profile picture

“Oh no she didn’t! #GreysAnatomy”

“This new guy at work is so hot. If he asks me nicely, I’ll let him finger my butthole.”

“Go figure, he has a girlfriend. Now I have to blackmail him into fingering my ass. Sigh…”

“My dog did the cutest thing today. He pooped! Uploading pics now!”

@HeyGuysItsTonyOMG is at The Bleached Anus

“I can’t believe he’s cheating on her! #GreysAnatomy”

@HeyGuysItsTonyOMG has changed his profile picture

“I just saw someone wearing the cutest shirt. It would look better on me though.”

“God I’m so awesome. I rock.”

“I’m going to the movies tonight. Don’t worry, I’ll still be tweeting while I’m in the movie guys!’

(This part actually happened; this chick was tweeting lines from the movie as she was watching it. I unfollowed out of principle. It was a chick flick, but still. Imagine how annoyed the people in the theater were.)

“I have the worst cramps. I hate being a woman, but I love being beautiful.”

“I’m going to the gym tonight. Let’s hope there’s some hotties there.”

“I feel like you people don’t take me seriously sometimes..”

“How are all of my friends getting married before me? I’m a catch damnit! Grrr!”

@HeyGuysItsTonyOMG has changed his profile picture

“I seriously can’t believe that Kevin Spacey was the killer! Holy shit! You guys have to see that movie!”

“Why is everyone so mad at me?!”

“Why are all of my Twitter followers and Facebook friends in my driveway with baseball bats? I’m gonna see what’s up, brb…”


You would think that this was a huge exaggeration, but it was only slight actually. This ridiculous post is my way of reacting to people like this. There’s a good chance that some people may take offense to this, and all I can say is that I take offense to your obnoxious, self-centered attitude. Not a single one of my blog subscribers are a subject of this post though, so there may be no backlash at all. Either way, I got a kick out of writing this one.  It’s a free country, so just keep doing what you’re doing, and I’ll keep doing this, deal?

Some Things Can’t Be Taught, Only Learned

We were all young and stupid at one point in time. Even if you were a smart kid, you were still a complete nincompoop when it came to some things. For instance, I was a pretty smart kid. I’ve always been an above average learner, and my ability to make quick remarks always got me in trouble. As smart as I thought I was, I was an idiot when it came to the unteachable lessons that you learn in life. That’s because the only way to learn certain things is through experience.

The main focus of this little post is love. I don’t believe in destiny, fate, soul mates, or any of that nonsense, but I know that love exists. I may not believe that 2 people were placed on this planet exclusively for each other, but I know that if you build a bond and a foundation with someone who you’re very compatible with, a deep emotional connection builds, which is basically love in a nutshell. Unfortunately, love is the most commonly misdiagnosed thing in the world, and it’s usually misdiagnosed by the parties involved.

My prime example is young love. Has anyone ever not thought they were in love with their first boyfriend or girlfriend? I remember my first pseudo relationship with a girl, and when it ran it’s course, I was ready to die afterwards. Fortunately for myself, I found the remedy for heartbreak. That remedy was more heartbreak. The remedy for poison is more poison; just build up a tolerance. You see, when you begin dating, you have no idea what the end of a relationship feels like. 10 years later, you have an entire breakup routine organized. It’s not because you’re older, it’s because you’ve been down that road before. Luckily for me, I’ve only had my heart truly broken once, and I was 16 at the time, so even then it wasn’t serious. I had a truly stupid friend, who’s one moment of brilliance in his entire life was setting me up with another girl 2 weeks later, and it worked wonders. After I had a meaningless courtship with someone else for a few months, I learned the ropes of young dating. The basic lesson was that no matter how important a girlfriend may seem to me at that age, 99 out of 100 times, the person ends up being an insignificant chapter of your life. After you mature a bit and look back, most of the time you’re embarrassed at the way you behaved and felt about things.

It must be emphasized that age is not the deciding factor though, just experience. I know this to be true, because I know multiple people who got a late start on dating, and the breakup was just as painful for them as it was for the rest of us in our teenage years. The first time I saw it was from a coworker. He wasn’t a particularly attractive man, and his personality and intellect were equally lacking. One of his friends finally found his female match, and set them up. Within the first hour of their first date, he had already proclaimed his love for the girl. He was 25 years old, and behaved exactly like a 15 year old in the same situation. He ended up quitting his job a few weeks later, because his girlfriend called and said that she missed him, so he just walked out. I later came to learn that the same girl left this man for the guy who worked the salad bar with her at Sonny’s Barbecue Restaurant.

The second guy this happened to is a good friend of mine. His story has no stupidity involved, because he’s a smart guy, and he’s pretty mature. He’s 23 and friends with me. Those of you who know me know that I don’t tolerate immaturity, and I don’t hang out with a young crowd. This guy is the exception. Anyway, he got into his first real relationship around 20 years of age. I decided to be a wise ass, and look into my crystal ball for him. I told him that he’d be happier than he’s ever been in his entire life, and then she’d break up with him, and he would be miserable. Guess what happened? I’ll tell you what happened, the worst New Years Eve party in the history of mankind. Once he recovered (somewhat), he mentioned how I predicted his fate. As fascinated as he seemed to be, I’m no psychic. If you see a kid trying to stick a penny into an electrical socket, you can be pretty sure of how it’s going to end. Every young relationship involves one penny, and one socket.

My inspiration for writing this is because I was just on Facebook, and one of the recommended friends is my friend’s little brother, who just started dating his first real girlfriend. He’s 18, and I just took a look at his wall. The whole wall is pictures of them together, and posts like “I have the best girlfriend in the world.” and “No, I love you more.” As sickening as it is, and it’s quite nauseating, we’ve all been in that state of mind before.

The point is, none of these people can be taught anything by anyone else. You can sit one of these young lovers down, and tell them every story that you’ve ever heard, and even have video tapes documenting entire relationships, and they will not listen to a word you say. They will all think the same thing, “He doesn’t know me and my girlfriend. We really love each other.” No, you don’t love each other. You just think that you do. These kids can’t be taught, but they will learn. And since I can’t teach any of these stupid kids anything, I figured that I can write this, then show it to them after they get crushed, all while saying “Ha ha, I told you so!” Feel free to use this as a resource if needed. No copyright here, copy away. You’re welcome, world.