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Stop the Violence!

I know what many of you probably think about me. You all probably believe that I’m some sort of super powered, almighty badass, who just walks around beating the piss out of random people who look at me the wrong way.

I’m sure that you think a vacation for me involves going to some jungle in Africa, or a rainforest in South America, and wrestling the biggest gorilla, or trying to outsmart and outfight a ligerpantheetah, which everyone knows is a liger (from Napoleon Dynamite) crossed with a pantheetah (panther/cheetah, duh), which is pretty much my favorite animal.

I’m sorry to disappoint my millions of fans, but you’re only half right. I am in fact a super powered, almighty badass, and I can do all of those things, but I don’t, and I never will. Why? Because doing things like getting into fistfights, and trying to convince people that you’re tough is fucking stupid. Let me put it this way: being a tough guy who gets into fights is like a “buy one, get one free” sale, because you’re going to end up being friends with people who are all of equal or lesser value than you.

Now, my reason for this triumphant return to the blogging realm isn’t to attack these so-called badasses. I’ve already made a post about that. My reason for this particular piece is to attack gangs, which is totally different.

I know what you’re all thinking, “But King RageLaugh, I live in (insert your home here: Maine, the UK, Phillipines, I’m international!), what’s a gang?” Well, I’ll tell you what a gang is, by showing you a short series of pictures.

This is the frill-neck lizard. It’s defense mechanism is quite brilliant. Whenever in danger in it’s natural habitat of North Australia, it fans out it’s neck skin, thus frightening it’s attacker. Pretty smart actually. Whenever I wonder if I could take someone in a fight, I know the skin on his neck is the place that I examine first.

This is a Chevy Corvette. It boasts one of the largest engines in the production car industry. Guys buy these cars to impress their friends, and most importantly, women. The philosophy is that you drive up next to a woman, rev your engine a few times, and she hops in, and fulfills your every desire.

This is a truck with huge tires. White men who can’t afford a Corvette sometimes opt for something of this nature instead. The general logic behind this is, um, you know what? I have no idea what the logic is. Do some women have a tire fetish? I mean maybe if the chick has father issues, and her dad worked at a garage. Or maybe if her last boyfriend was the Michelin Man. I honestly don’t see the point. I’ve never been in my truck (I do drive a pickup truck), and thought “If only I had tires that were four feet in diameter.”

Finally, this is your basic street gang. You might have noticed that I borrowed the image from the gritty Hollywood drama “A Story About Boyz from the West Side of the Hood,” or something like that. The gang logic is to gather as large of a group as possible, to intimidate your rivals. The added bonus is if five guys mug one guy, nobody will notice what a pansy you are in reality.

So, do you see the theme that I’ve developed here? Large neck, large engine, large tires, and large group. What do they all add up to?

Thanks Condeweezy! That’s the pet name that she asked me to call her. It all adds up to being very small, in every way possible. Small mind, small body, small wangus, everything. I’ll let Isuro Tanaka from Major League II drive the point that I’m making so well home. Take it away Tanaka!

No marbles indeed. If you’re in a gang, and you like “jumping” people, then you are a gutless turd, with no marbles.

Now, what is the appropriate reaction to all of these thugs that I see on the mean streets of suburban Tampa, loitering the shopping mall? Kinda hard to look tough, when your “hood” has a 9 PM curfew. Anyway, what’s the proper reaction? I know what you’re thinking; being a nuclear powered, UFC loving machine of ass-kickery, I should just bludgeon every little gang punk that I see. But you’re wrong, I’m not a nuclear powered, UFC loving machine of ass-kickery. I’m a nuclear powered, UFC loving pacifist. I don’t condone violence (unless you fuck with my wife or family, in which case, game on). Fighting solves nothing. I’m American, and what do Americans do? That’s right, we blame others! But who can I blame for gang violence? I’ll tell you who….

I blame Paul Hogan, and his home country of Australia for American gang violence, and frankly, I’m upset that you didn’t figure this out on your own.

What’s your impression of an Australian man? Someone who runs into the wild and headbutts kangaroos for fun, right? What do you think an insecure American would think when he sees this? Wrong! He does not think that he needs to be tough too, or else the Aussies will finally invade America, and we’ll all have sexy accents that drive my wife crazy! Wait, what did I just say?! Anyway, no, he won’t fear an Aussie invasion. It’s common knowledge that those dingo humpers can’t fly or swim, and are permanently stuck on their island (unless they can act).

I blame Paul Hogan for the gang violence, shootings especially, for one short, yet very famous, movie clip.

Before Crocodile Dundee, gang members carried switchblade knives with them, which were basically nail files, or Swiss army knives. Anyone can survive a simple stabbing, unless you’re some kind of pansy. So now, they all carry guns. Now, I know that I’m bulletproof, but what about my minions? Seriously, now it’s only a matter of time before there’s some Dundee remake, where the guy comes from war torn Africa. Then there will have to be a scene where the guy clicks “That’s not a gun” (it’ll be subtitled), and will pull out a bazooka. Before you know it, gang members will carry bazookas, and then we’re all screwed. Well, unless the bazooka misses my face, in which case, I’ll survive.

So there you have it, our Australian friends are the reason for gang violence. Thanks to all of my readers for the text messages, emails, and snarky comments about my lack of writing. I’ve been doing other things, but I have some other topics that I plan on scribbling about for you in the coming weeks, so stay tuned.


Liebster Blog Award

It appears that has been nominated for an award. Ok, calm down, it’s not a real award, I don’t think. From what I’ve read, it’s actually an award that bloggers give to other bloggers as a compliment. I like compliments, so I’m still touched. Thanks to Lily in Canada for the nomination! I feel like an ass, because apparently she’s been reading this blog, but I was unaware. I try to communicate will all of my readers, but I’ve failed. I’ll work on that. And yes, for now on I will be referring to myself as the author of an award winning blog.

The rules that go along with this award are very chainletter-ish. I’m supposed to nominate five other blogs, in order to generate traffic for them, or so I’m assuming. I can’t nominate blogs that have over two hundred followers, which pretty much confirms my initial assumption. While I may seem snotty about this whole thing, I’m not the kind of jackass who wouldn’t pay it forward. If someone who I don’t even know is going to be nice enough to pay me a compliment, then I’m going to be nice enough to follow through with the intention of the kind gesture. That being said, I’m not going to be gushy about it. I’m just going to say what I think, in the spirit of RageLaugh. Think of me as Mickey Rourke at The Golden Globe Awards.

That’s a pretty badass look for an awards ceremony. I’m a jokester too, so maybe I’ll be like Brian Wilson at the ESPY’s.

Now, I have to select five nominees. Since I can’t nominate someone who has more than two hundred followers, that eliminates Reasonably Ludicrous. He has eight hundred followers, and for good reason. The funny stories and illustrations make for an excellent blog. Why he follows my blog is beyond me.

Here are my nominees, in no particular order:

My first nominee has to be The Daily Cop This blog is run by a personal friend of mine. He has a very good sense of humor, and is an overall pretty smart guy, in spite of his political beliefs. His Bizarro Frog story had me rolling. All of his posts are true stories from his years in the force, and I highly recommend anyone to read them. He’s been slacking lately, as far as posting stories goes, so maybe this will get him to continue writing.

My next nominee is Thumb Worthy. It’s run by my friend Tom, and I’ve been known to drop in every now and then for a rant, and The Daily Cop writes a thing or two himself as well. The basic premise is to cover as many things as possible. There’s video game and movie reviews, various lists that fall under the “5 Things” category, rants, etc. It’s pretty much an “anything goes” mentality. There’s four or five writers currently, but I’m sure more will be onboard eventually.

My next nominee is Three Sixty This blog is run by Jessica Fuentes, who is an aspiring writer who lives in the Phillipines. Everything I’ve read from her blog is insightful, and well written. A big plus is that you can immediately tell that she posseses something that many people lack, myself included. That thing is motivation. I always get the sense that she’s driven towards a goal, and I can appreciate that. Sure, I don’t have much of anything in common with a seventeen year old from the Phillipines, but I do have an appreciation for someone who is driven. It’s for that reason that I read.

Next on my list is Funny or Cry. The author’s name is Darren, and other than that, I don’t know much else about the guy. I ended up following him on Twitter via proxy (@Crobama, I recommend the follow). I started following Paul Provenza, who is a great comedian, whom I consider to be an icon in the industry. I later began following Kelly Carlin (George’s daughter), and another comedian named Dylan Brody. They retweeted many of the funny things that @Crobama said, and there you have it. Now that I follow all of those people, along with former SNL writer Joe Bodolai, it’s like evesdropping on a funny conversation every night. I kind of feel like a creep now. Any way, his story, The Ice Man Cometh literally had me laughing out loud. He even used it for his first open mic routine, which is something I’ve considered doing, but don’t have the courage to follow through on. He has a podcast too, called Dylan Brody’s Neighbor’s Couch, which is available on iTunes.

Finally, I’m going to nominate LMAO with Wendy. This blog is written by comedian Wendy Liebman. This is a name that every comedy nerd like me knows well. I’ve been watching her comedy since my early teen years. I can’t remember if I originally saw her on An Evening at the Improv or the one on VH1 hosted by Rosie O’Donnell, but I definitely remember seeing her on one of those, along with HBO. I love her “setup, punchline, REAL punchline” joke method. Her blog is more personal, usually involving health and happiness, along with the occasional interview with other people. It’s definitely not comedy based, but that’s fine, because she tweets funny things, and tells jokes for a living. Either way, it’s a great blog.

Ok, I feel like I’ve paid the good deed forward. I’ll follow through with the intention of the award now, and notify my nominees. This should be fun, telling someone who doesn’t know me that I’ve nominated them for an award that isn’t real, that I didn’t even know existed until yesterday. I’m sure they won’t think that I’m some sort of a whack job.

Since I took on the duty of being a nice guy, the latest episode of the critically acclaimed The Baby Chronicles will be up tomorrow. Stay tuned to my award winning blog, my sweet little Ragelaughers! Weekly Awards 11/13/11 – 11/19/11

Hello readers. I’m sure that some of you noticed that I took a few days off from writing this week. Sorry, I was just tired, and needed a short break. My new series, The Baby Chronicles has been going pretty good, so my editor (me) has given it the thumbs up to continue.

This has been a quiet week in the world for the most part, so I’ve been digging for award candidates. I think I found some decent winners though, so let’s go ahead and crown their asses. Here they are:

Tweet of the Week

@anthonyjeselnik said: “I knew Demi Moore would leave Ashton Kutcher soon. I just thought it would be when she died.”

Picture of the Week

YouTube Video of the Week

This is a japanese classic. Hard Gay is a funny dude, and I think everyone should watch at least one of his skits.

Stand-up Comedy Clip of the Week

Robert Schimmel 1950 – 2010 RIP, you funny son of a bitch.

Asshole of the Week

I’ve never liked Ashton Kutcher. I never liked his shows, his commercials, his movies, his wife, anything. The only thing I like about him is the guy who was banging his soon to be ex wife before him. Bruce Willis is awesome, Ashton Kutcher is a tool.

Before being informed of the details of the Joe Paterno firing, Ashton tweeted the following:

“How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste.”

If you have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about, then keep your mouth shut. Ashton basically just supported an accessory to child rape. I know that he wasn’t aware of what was going on, which was more reason to keep his mouth shut. Demi Moore filed for divorce shortly afterwards, but for unrelated reasons. He should probably be the “Dumbass of the Week,” but I don’t have that category, so Asshole will have to do. He even turned his Twitter account over to his publicist. What kind of moron can’t even tweet properly?!

Person of the Week

Wait! Don’t close this window or unsubscribe yet! Hear me out! I still think Justin Beiber is an absolutely horrible musician, and is extremely annoying. I just appreciate his actions regarding his alleged paternity case.

Beiber was accused of being the father of some chick’s baby apparently. After this girl dropped the charges, Beiber decided that he would proceed with taking a DNA paternity test, and if (when, actually) he’s cleared, he will counter-sue the woman who is making false allegations. Hopefully he wins a large sum of money from the woman, and donates the money to a charity. Either way, kudos to him for wanting to prove his innocence, and setting an example to all of the people out there who are looking to earn a cheap buck, and easy living.

That’s it for me this week. Stay tuned, as always, for more of my twisted thoughts and opinions. Hopefully I’ll have some more stories to add to The Baby Chronicles, because I know a bunch of you are getting a kick out of it. I keep getting texts and Facebook messages complimenting them, and I absolutely love it. Maybe I’m an attention whore… Oh well! Alright guys, I’m out!