RageLaugh Weekly Awards 11/27/11 – 12/3/11

It’s been a long week for King of the RageLaughers. As long as it was, it’s been equally great. Moving is a royal pain in the ass, but when you’re moving somewhere that you actually want to live for a long time, it’s a rewarding process. Now that we’re just unpacking, and setting the place up, it’s actually become a fun procedure.

Due to the fact that I’ve been moving, and my computer is still in a box, and my desk is in pieces, I’ve been neglecting this blog, and for that I’m sorry. I actually threw the notion of a writing schedule out the window, and for now on, I’m writing entries when I have something to say. If I want to write on a Monday, I will. If I want to take a few days off, I will as well. I just don’t want to force myself to write something, and put something that even I think is shitty up here. Either way, RageLaugh will live on, that much is for sure.

Ok, here are the winners.

Tweet of the Week

@nealbrennan said: “If you’re asking Siri where to get an abortion, I’m glad you’re getting an abortion.”

Picture of the Week

YouTube Video of the Week

Stand-up Comedy Clip of the Week

Asshole of the Week

I wish there was an asshole checklist, just so I could put a mark next to all of Herman Cain’s qualifications. Republican? Check! Moron? Check! Liar? Check! Pig? Check! Wait a minute, I could have stopped at “Republican,” since most of them are morons, liars, and pigs already. Alright, enough of me showing my political bias, while losing readers with every word I write.

I already disliked Cain when he said that God told him to run for President. I liked him less when he dropped this gem, showing us all how much of an idiot he is:

The only person dumber than Cain in that video is the one idiot who was clapping after Cain contradicted himself, making no sense in his pro life argument.

Anyway, Herman Cain has had some women come forward, accusing him of sexual harassment, and one woman has even claimed to have had an affair with him. To make matters worse, Cain denied knowing of these women or their accusations, only to cave in, and acknowledge that he does in fact know who they are. Last week, he put his presidential campaign on “suspension,” which really just means that he’s pulling out, because his image is too tarnished. It’s a shame too, because I was enjoying the hilarity that his interviews brought to the table. Oh well, there’s always Perry and Gingrich. That’s one less sack of shit that I have to worry about having in office.

Person of the Week

I mentioned a few weeks ago that Patrice O’Neal suffered a severe stroke, and was in the hospital. This past Tuesday, Patrice passed away, at the young age of 41.

I’m not going to act like I knew him personally, but I did enjoy his work. He was a hilarious guy, and every comedian who talked about him only said nice things. I truly feel for his wife and mother who he left behind. The world lost one of the good ones this past week, that much is for sure. You can buy his posthumous album Mr. P on iTunes, and all of the proceeds go to his family, so if you can, please buy it. Anyone who loves comedy would love his work anyway.

That’s it for this week, and sorry for putting this up late. I was actually relearning algebra yesterday, because I have to take a stupid placement test, so that I don’t have to take a boom-boom math class that doesn’t give college credits. Anyway, better late than never, right? Thanks for reading.

Ain’t Nothin’ Gonna Break My Stride, Nobody’s Gonna Slow Me Down, Oh No, I’ve Got To Keep On Movin’

There a few things that people look forward to less than moving. I think that maybe most people look forward to dying less than moving, but I’m not even sure of that one. I wouldn’t classify myself as extremely lazy, but at the same time, I’m definitely not a busy body either. Let me put it this way; I’m lazy enough to where moving is one of my least favorite things to do, right behind interacting with morons.

We decided to hire movers this time, for a few reasons. The first reason is that we had enough money to hire movers, without having to sell our bodies on the street (again). The second reason is that my wife is pregnant, so she’s basically useless as far as lifting and moving goes. All she can do is pack and direct everyone else, which is a far cry from what she usually does; pack and direct everyone else. Wait a minute…. That bitch! The last reason that we decided to hire movers is because I hate helping other people move, so why would I ask someone to do something that I dread? If I would reluctantly do it for someone else, then I’d be quite the asshole if I asked someone else to do it for me.

The movers were scheduled to show up at 7:30 am. Those of you who know me are aware that I’m not exactly a morning person. As a matter of fact, my bedtime is often around 7:30, so this would not be fun for me. Our alarm was set for 7 o’clock, which gave us just enough time for quick showers, before getting all sweaty and filthy.

The alarm went off, and I went through my daily ritual before getting out of bed. I never want to get out of bed, and end up going through the five stages of grief when it comes time to wake up.

First is denial: “No, it can’t be time to get out of bed yet! Maybe it’s 7 pm, not am.”

The second stage is anger: “Baby, it’s time to wake up.” “Fuck you! I never loved you! If you don’t let me sleep for another hour, I’m getting a divorce!”

The third stage is bargaining: “Ok, let me sleep for a little while longer, and I’ll move extra fast. Ok, I won’t take a shower or brush my teeth, and I’ll wear the same clothes that I wore last night, because they’re right next to me. That gives me fifteen more minutes of sleep.”

The fourth stage is depression: “Why does it even matter if I wake up? Life is shitty anyway. This is all pointless. We’re going to move into a nicer house that we’ll own, but we’re still going to die one day.”

The final stage is acceptance: “I have no choice, I have to wake up. What am I going to do, stay in bed and have the movers carry me in the bed, and just place me in the truck? Wait, that’s brilliant! No it isn’t, I’m a moron. Ok, let’s do this, I guess.”

After my morning ritual, I woke up, took a shower, and got dressed. The movers arrived right on time. We used Two Men and a Truck moving service, and those two men went right to work. Hiring movers may not be super cheap, but I will say that if you use this particular moving company, it’s worth every penny. We’ve used them twice, and both times they were very friendly, and they worked hard and fast. I don’t plan on moving again for a very long time, if ever. But if I do move again, I’ll probably use them again.

Since I’m a man and I drive a pickup truck, I felt inclined to load up my truck with things to move as well. Being a man, I feel like a bum when I have people working around me, while I do nothing. So I loaded up the back of my truck with random things, just so I felt like I was doing something too, and I was miserable. I hate bumper stickers, but if I ever put one on my truck, it’d be the one that says “Yes this is my truck, and no I will not help you move.”

Within three or four hours, our old house was completely empty, and everything was unloaded into our new house, which is only five minutes away, if that. After paying and tipping the movers (they earned it), the unpacking process began. I remember hearing about an old Italian tradition pertaining to newlywed couples. The story is something along the lines of during the first year of marriage, the couple puts a marble in a jar every time they make love. After the first year is over, the couple takes a marble out of the same jar every time they do it, and the jar never empties. I mentioned this because we packed the majority of our house in one night. At the rate we’re moving now, it will take us a month to get unpacked. Oh well, there’s no rush, I guess.

Until yesterday, the legs to our dining room table was missing. I was putting my wife’s new desk together in her office, and after she unwrapped her armoire from the plastic wrap that the movers put around it, I happened to open it. Inside of the armoire, I found our missing table legs. Up until then, our table laid on the dining room floor. It looked like a dining room for Japanese midgets.

Anyway, I’m glad that the move is over. I’ve decided that I’m going to be the handy man around the house. I’m going to take care of our lawn and pool, so that we don’t have to hire services to do it for us, and save some money. I’m also going to try and tackle all repairs around the house myself. Due to these new duties, Home Depot is already one of my favorite stores. That place is amazing! You could build a whole new house all from stuff bought at Home Depot!

Anyway, that was our move in a nutshell. I haven’t written all week because of it, so my apologies. I figured after the third person texted me, asking why I’ve been neglecting my blog, that it was time to post something. Thanks for the support guys!

Here’s our new home, that we plan on raising our kids in:

Take care guys, and thanks again.

RageLaugh Weekly Awards 11/20/11 – 11/26/11

Hello people, how are you? I always suck at the beginning of these things, sorry. If anyone has a good opening for me, I’m all ears. In the meantime, it’s going to be awkward.

This week has been building up to the huge upcoming week in your humble narrator’s life. We’re moving into a new house this week, and there may be a few more big changes in the near future as well. Things are looking up, life is good, no complaints here.

Alright freaks, here are the winners:

Tweet of the Week

@MiguelTorresMMA said: “I think girls from the hood would make awesome wizards cause they are always waving their hands around when they talk.”

Picture of the Week

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. Yes, this is crude and vulgar, but guess what? The proceeds go to cancer research. Doug Stanhope sells these “cunt cancer awareness” shirts on his website, and gives the proceeds to cancer research, so it is a good cause. His slogan is “Take the pink out of the stink.” I think I’ll buy one, and when someone calls me an asshole, I’ll say “How much did you donate for cancer?”

YouTube Video of the Week

This should technically be in next week’s awards, but I feel like I should strike while the iron is hot. As most of you know, Plaxico Burress served time in prison, because his gun that he was carrying illegally went off in a nightclub, and he shot himself in the leg. Here’s Stevie Johnson’s touchdown celebration, after scoring against Burress’ Jets.

Stand-up Comedy Clip of the Week

I don’t care how true or untrue this is, Jim Jefferies is one funny dude.

Asshole of the Week

I was really big on Ndamukong Suh for a while. He’s such a great talent, and I was convinced that all of his unnecessary roughness penalties were just because he plays really hard. I even picked him to be Defensive Player of the Year this year, in our little predictions pool that we do here at work. I think I’m fed up with him though.

Here’s what he did on Thanksgiving, that put me over the edge:

Suh is not too passionate, or too aggressive. He’s just a baby, and a fucking asshole. One of these days, he’ll probably go too far, and seriously injure someone. Can you believe that this prick actually said that he wasn’t trying to stomp on someone, and was just trying to get his foot free? I think “Ndamukong” actually translates to “Dickhead.”

Person of the Week

Some people think that Jay Glazer is a bit douchey, because he’s always hanging out with MMA fighters, and NFL superstars. I never felt that way about him, and I actually like him. He’s good at his job of giving breaking news in football, and I always see him in the crowd at UFC events. Why would I hate someone who has the same interests as me? Given the opportunity, I’d be at every UFC event too.

Jay spent this Thanksgiving with troops in Korea, away from his wife and kids. He took MMA fighter Benson Henderson, along with Henderson’s mother, for the trip as well. Henderson’s mother is actually from South Korea, and hadn’t been there since she moved to the US.

I believe that some people do things like this for attention, but I don’t get that vibe from Glazer at all. Some people do nice things because they’re actually nice people. Baffling, I know. Anyway, I respect people who do things like serve food to the homeless on holidays, visit troops, adopt animals at shelters, etc. Some people want attention, and some people want to help. If you want to help, then you’re alright in my book.

That’s it for me this week. We’re going to the doctor tomorrow for another checkup. Does that mean another entry in The Baby Chronicles? Well, I do have an amusing story to tell about my pregnant wife already, so I might have a nice, long story to tell soon. Stay tuned!

Reasons to be Thankful

As most of you know, yesterday was Thanksgiving here in the States. Some people think that it’s cheesy or corny to list the things that you are thankful for. I am not one of these people. I think that if you aren’t thankful for what you have in your life, then you’re ungrateful. I’m going to list the things that I’m thankful for now. Sorry, this won’t be funny or angry. I’m allowed to speak from the heart sometimes, right?

I’m thankful that I’m not the kind of person who goes to the bar on Thanksgiving. I deal with people like this, and it depresses the hell out of me to see these people. One guy is separated from his wife because he’s out drinking and doing coke every night. His pal ends up at the bar because him and his wife got into a knock down, drag out fight, on Thanksgiving, in front of their children. I know my mother was worried about me growing up, since apparently my father was a fan of the booze. Not me, Mom. I can drink, but I can also not drink, just like you. I think I learned my moderation from you.

I’m thankful for my dog, Xander. I know it sounds silly, but I really am. We got him about 6 months ago, mainly because my wife pushed me into it. I’ve always loved dogs very, very much. But I had a dog growing up, and he didn’t get nearly enough attention, and I always felt guilty about it. That is not the case with Xander. Our dog is smothered with love on a daily basis. If I said that I didn’t love that dog, or that getting him didn’t change my life, I’d be lying my ass off. Every night that I work, all I think about on the ride home is the wagging tail that will greet me at the door. It seems that we’ll be getting another dog in the very near future, and I can’t wait. Don’t worry, Lucie. He’ll be loved, and you and Isabel can come over any time you want to visit him. I’ll even give you a key to our house if you want.

I’m thankful for my friends. I’ve had the same friends since I was eleven years old. I’m thirty-three now, and my best friends that I had growing up are still my best friends now. I love you guys just as much as family, because to me you are family. You were up there with me when I got married, and I know you’ll be there when this amazing ride that we call “life” comes to an end. I’d walk into traffic without asking why for you guys. My kids are going to have quite a few uncles.

I’m thankful that so far, conception and pregnancy haven’t been a problem for me and my wife. We got pregnant with no issues, and so far Liz is doing great. I know it’s early, and I’m not one to take things for granted, but I feel like I have to be thankful that so far, everything looks great. I’ll be thankful to be a father as well, and I’m going to use every fiber in my body to be the best dad that I can be. That’s my promise to my unborn child.

I’m thankful for my family, as well as the family that I was lucky enough to marry into. I know that as far as my family goes, we chose to take the scenic route, as far as reaching our intended destination goes. I also know that I was a pain in the ass of epic proportions at times. We made it though, and I love you very much. I’m looking forward to having my child’s grandmother nearby as well. We know how important that was to me growing up, and I’m sure that it will be the same for this child.

As far as the family that I was lucky enough to marry into goes, what can I say? You’ve made me feel like a part of the family since our first Christmas dinner, nine years ago. I can’t believe it’s been that long, but it has. Living a few houses down from you will be great, and I’m very excited. I can’t be thankful enough for how lucky I am to be a part of your family.

Most of all, I’m thankful for my wife, Liz. I know there was a brief period in time where our future was in question. That was my fault, but rest assured that there is no longer a question at all. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her, and for very good reason. As great of a person as she seems to everyone, she’s so much more than any of you know. I can trust her with my life, and I hope that she knows that she can trust me with hers. Some people think it’s cheesy when married couples refer to each other as their “best friend.” That’s because those people have never experienced the kind of relationship that Liz and I have. She is without question my best friend, and I am beyond thankful for being so lucky to have someone like her in my life.

That’s what I’m thankful for this year. I’m certain that in the future, I will have much more to be thankful for. I may be bitter, harsh, crude, skeptical, and a bit of a smartass. One thing that I’m not is ungrateful. I truly hope that all of you had a great Thanksgiving, and that you all realize the amazing things you have in your lives.

The Baby Chronicles: Urine is a Dish Best Served Cold

As I mentioned in a previous installment, we had another appointment scheduled with the doctor this past Tuesday. It wasn’t really to monitor the health of our little gummy bear, so much as to monitor my wife’s health on her new medication. Nothing big really. She had her blood pressure medication changed to something that is safer for her pregnancy. Like a good husband, I wanted to come along with her, just so I know exactly what is going on.

My wife’s homework for the week leading up to this appointment was to monitor her blood pressure on a daily basis, and to collect all of her urine for the 24 hours leading up to the appointment. The doctor also told us that we needed to keep her urine cold, in order to preserve the, um, I forgot why actually. We were left with two options; either keep the urine jug that the doctor supplied us with in the fridge, or keep it in an ice cooler in the bathroom. My wife opted for the second option, probably out of fear that I would accidentally drink it.

For the entire day leading up to our appointment, I had to look at this red and white Igloo brand cooler next to the toilet. I was tempted to put some of my pee in the jug, just to mess with the doctor, or maybe poop in it, and tell the doctor that I was worried about my wife’s health. Since there was more on the line than just my wife and I’s heath, I opted against both. Instead, I just stared at this cooler every time I used the restroom, wondering how I’d feel keeping my own little piss collection.

The next morning, we went to the OBGYN. Somehow, I was relegated as the pee cooler carrier. I put the cooler in the back of the car before we left. My wife looked at me like I was stupid, and said “Really?!” What did she expect me to say? “Oh, I can’t wait to have this stuff splashing around on me. I think I’ll put it on my lap! I know, I’ll unscrew the top too!” No, if something is disgusting, I put it as far from me as possible. In the back of the SUV it stayed.

As we walked into the office, I carried the red and white cooler. I was getting some strange and horrified looks from the Unfuckables in the waiting room. It took a second for it to register why they looked freaked out. These people thought I was carrying a dead baby into the clinic. It’s not like I could say “No, no, it’s just piss” either. Instead, I decided to just smile, to give off the message that we were there for a good reason. Only after the fact did I realize the people probably saw that as me being happy that I wouldn’t be a father, or that I was some weirdo who liked to carry urine around. Either way, I’m the dumbass.

Shortly after my wife signed in at the desk, we were called back to see the doctor. Nothing really exciting happened back there. They just weighed my wife, took her blood pressure, and drew some blood. Everything checked out fine.

I don’t remember how it happened, but somehow I was the one who ended up opening the cooler, and taking the piss jug to the testing lab. I think my wife had to go to the restroom, and the nurse asked me to bring the urine to their little lab that they had inside the clinic. Before I knew it, I was walking around with a jug of pee in my hand, and I could actually feel it splashing around inside of the container. Next thing I knew, I was holding this jug of pee, and I was surrounded by urine samples. There was a cup of pee right in front of me, with no lid on it. Being a bartender, I was naturally inclined to mix up a cocktail. I resisted that urge, thankfully. For those of you wondering if I can handle changing my child’s diapers; I carried my wife’s urine around with me, so I’m feeling confident that I can wipe my own child’s ass.

The last amusing thing that happened was when my wife answered some of the doctor’s questions. Liz had been peeing nonstop the night before, because her new medication was giving her a wicked case of cotton mouth, so she was drinking a ton of water. She actually filled the forty-plus ounce jug, and ended up having to flush some of her urine down the toilet, how bizarre. When she told the doctor this, the doctor began asking a million questions about the urine. “It’s not all here? How much more urine was there? What color was it? Did it have an odor to it?” All I could think was “What kind of pee fetish freak of a doctor are we dealing with here?” I’m sure that there was a good reason for the questions. I just figured that if someone hands you a big gulp cup full of piss, you don’t complain about the ten ounces you didn’t get. I personally would have said “Don’t worry, doc. I’m literally a pee factory at this point. There’s plenty more where that came from.”

Anyway, everything still looks great at this point. I’ll update the news as I receive it. There is one more thing though….

I am officially convinced that my “Baby Bump” app was created by a group of women who want men to pamper them, and fulfill their every need!

Don’t get me wrong, I treat my wife like she deserves to be treated, especially while she’s carrying our first child. But, it isn’t Baby Bump’s place to tell me how to treat her.

I downloaded the app for details on my unborn child’s size, what’s developing, etc. It usually tells me things like “Your baby is currently the size of a green olive. It’s eyes are now fully developed!” or something like that. The size is always compared to a food, which is weird to me. Anyway, the last time I looked at an update, it said “Try offering your partner a back rub. If she looks uncomfortable, ask her where it hurts, and rub that spot for her.” I understand that a back rub is something that I should do to comfort my wife, but it isn’t Baby Bump’s place to tell me to do it, it’s my wife’s.

Anyway, the second I read that message, I immediately pictured a bunch of unsatisfied women in front of the computers typing this shit. I can’t wait to see what’s next: “Tell her that she’s sexy,” “Don’t fart under the sheets,” “Do the laundry for her,” “Watch her shitty tv shows with her,” etc. I’d get a different pregnancy app, if I didn’t get so much of my funny material from it’s messages and forum.

Ok, that’s it for today. We have another appointment with the doctor on Monday. As always, The Baby Chronicles updates as the news does!

To be continued…

Liebster Blog Award

It appears that RageLaugh.com has been nominated for an award. Ok, calm down, it’s not a real award, I don’t think. From what I’ve read, it’s actually an award that bloggers give to other bloggers as a compliment. I like compliments, so I’m still touched. Thanks to Lily in Canada for the nomination! I feel like an ass, because apparently she’s been reading this blog, but I was unaware. I try to communicate will all of my readers, but I’ve failed. I’ll work on that. And yes, for now on I will be referring to myself as the author of an award winning blog.

The rules that go along with this award are very chainletter-ish. I’m supposed to nominate five other blogs, in order to generate traffic for them, or so I’m assuming. I can’t nominate blogs that have over two hundred followers, which pretty much confirms my initial assumption. While I may seem snotty about this whole thing, I’m not the kind of jackass who wouldn’t pay it forward. If someone who I don’t even know is going to be nice enough to pay me a compliment, then I’m going to be nice enough to follow through with the intention of the kind gesture. That being said, I’m not going to be gushy about it. I’m just going to say what I think, in the spirit of RageLaugh. Think of me as Mickey Rourke at The Golden Globe Awards.

That’s a pretty badass look for an awards ceremony. I’m a jokester too, so maybe I’ll be like Brian Wilson at the ESPY’s.

Now, I have to select five nominees. Since I can’t nominate someone who has more than two hundred followers, that eliminates Reasonably Ludicrous. He has eight hundred followers, and for good reason. The funny stories and illustrations make for an excellent blog. Why he follows my blog is beyond me.

Here are my nominees, in no particular order:

My first nominee has to be The Daily Cop This blog is run by a personal friend of mine. He has a very good sense of humor, and is an overall pretty smart guy, in spite of his political beliefs. His Bizarro Frog story had me rolling. All of his posts are true stories from his years in the force, and I highly recommend anyone to read them. He’s been slacking lately, as far as posting stories goes, so maybe this will get him to continue writing.

My next nominee is Thumb Worthy. It’s run by my friend Tom, and I’ve been known to drop in every now and then for a rant, and The Daily Cop writes a thing or two himself as well. The basic premise is to cover as many things as possible. There’s video game and movie reviews, various lists that fall under the “5 Things” category, rants, etc. It’s pretty much an “anything goes” mentality. There’s four or five writers currently, but I’m sure more will be onboard eventually.

My next nominee is Three Sixty This blog is run by Jessica Fuentes, who is an aspiring writer who lives in the Phillipines. Everything I’ve read from her blog is insightful, and well written. A big plus is that you can immediately tell that she posseses something that many people lack, myself included. That thing is motivation. I always get the sense that she’s driven towards a goal, and I can appreciate that. Sure, I don’t have much of anything in common with a seventeen year old from the Phillipines, but I do have an appreciation for someone who is driven. It’s for that reason that I read.

Next on my list is Funny or Cry. The author’s name is Darren, and other than that, I don’t know much else about the guy. I ended up following him on Twitter via proxy (@Crobama, I recommend the follow). I started following Paul Provenza, who is a great comedian, whom I consider to be an icon in the industry. I later began following Kelly Carlin (George’s daughter), and another comedian named Dylan Brody. They retweeted many of the funny things that @Crobama said, and there you have it. Now that I follow all of those people, along with former SNL writer Joe Bodolai, it’s like evesdropping on a funny conversation every night. I kind of feel like a creep now. Any way, his story, The Ice Man Cometh literally had me laughing out loud. He even used it for his first open mic routine, which is something I’ve considered doing, but don’t have the courage to follow through on. He has a podcast too, called Dylan Brody’s Neighbor’s Couch, which is available on iTunes.

Finally, I’m going to nominate LMAO with Wendy. This blog is written by comedian Wendy Liebman. This is a name that every comedy nerd like me knows well. I’ve been watching her comedy since my early teen years. I can’t remember if I originally saw her on An Evening at the Improv or the one on VH1 hosted by Rosie O’Donnell, but I definitely remember seeing her on one of those, along with HBO. I love her “setup, punchline, REAL punchline” joke method. Her blog is more personal, usually involving health and happiness, along with the occasional interview with other people. It’s definitely not comedy based, but that’s fine, because she tweets funny things, and tells jokes for a living. Either way, it’s a great blog.

Ok, I feel like I’ve paid the good deed forward. I’ll follow through with the intention of the award now, and notify my nominees. This should be fun, telling someone who doesn’t know me that I’ve nominated them for an award that isn’t real, that I didn’t even know existed until yesterday. I’m sure they won’t think that I’m some sort of a whack job.

Since I took on the duty of being a nice guy, the latest episode of the critically acclaimed The Baby Chronicles will be up tomorrow. Stay tuned to my award winning blog, my sweet little Ragelaughers!

RageLaugh.com Weekly Awards 11/13/11 – 11/19/11

Hello readers. I’m sure that some of you noticed that I took a few days off from writing this week. Sorry, I was just tired, and needed a short break. My new series, The Baby Chronicles has been going pretty good, so my editor (me) has given it the thumbs up to continue.

This has been a quiet week in the world for the most part, so I’ve been digging for award candidates. I think I found some decent winners though, so let’s go ahead and crown their asses. Here they are:

Tweet of the Week

@anthonyjeselnik said: “I knew Demi Moore would leave Ashton Kutcher soon. I just thought it would be when she died.”

Picture of the Week

YouTube Video of the Week

This is a japanese classic. Hard Gay is a funny dude, and I think everyone should watch at least one of his skits.

Stand-up Comedy Clip of the Week

Robert Schimmel 1950 – 2010 RIP, you funny son of a bitch.

Asshole of the Week

I’ve never liked Ashton Kutcher. I never liked his shows, his commercials, his movies, his wife, anything. The only thing I like about him is the guy who was banging his soon to be ex wife before him. Bruce Willis is awesome, Ashton Kutcher is a tool.

Before being informed of the details of the Joe Paterno firing, Ashton tweeted the following:

“How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste.”

If you have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about, then keep your mouth shut. Ashton basically just supported an accessory to child rape. I know that he wasn’t aware of what was going on, which was more reason to keep his mouth shut. Demi Moore filed for divorce shortly afterwards, but for unrelated reasons. He should probably be the “Dumbass of the Week,” but I don’t have that category, so Asshole will have to do. He even turned his Twitter account over to his publicist. What kind of moron can’t even tweet properly?!

Person of the Week

Wait! Don’t close this window or unsubscribe yet! Hear me out! I still think Justin Beiber is an absolutely horrible musician, and is extremely annoying. I just appreciate his actions regarding his alleged paternity case.

Beiber was accused of being the father of some chick’s baby apparently. After this girl dropped the charges, Beiber decided that he would proceed with taking a DNA paternity test, and if (when, actually) he’s cleared, he will counter-sue the woman who is making false allegations. Hopefully he wins a large sum of money from the woman, and donates the money to a charity. Either way, kudos to him for wanting to prove his innocence, and setting an example to all of the people out there who are looking to earn a cheap buck, and easy living.

That’s it for me this week. Stay tuned, as always, for more of my twisted thoughts and opinions. Hopefully I’ll have some more stories to add to The Baby Chronicles, because I know a bunch of you are getting a kick out of it. I keep getting texts and Facebook messages complimenting them, and I absolutely love it. Maybe I’m an attention whore… Oh well! Alright guys, I’m out!